Changes in the Time of Coronavirus and the Great Reckoning

Hi Strangers! We've had a lot going on lately and I haven't had time to blog. It is amazing how quickly things can change when you've been waiting for it. Today is my last day at my current job. While Ryan was job searching, I was as well, but didn't feel ready to share it here. I start my new job on November 9th, heading back to a law firm, but as a Professional Development Manager, not an attorney (I'm crazy, but not that crazy). I'm leaving a place I love deeply and will stay connected to forever, but it is a hard transition and I'm feeling very emotional. 

Whether making a career transition in the middle of a pandemic is a good idea or not remains to be seen, but I'm immensely grateful for the opportunity. I'm very excited and the move will help us greatly with our precarious financial position. As you can imagine, I'm anxious about all sorts of things about the change, but I try to remember that I've survived all sorts of things (including 6 straight weeks without leaving my apartment). We also just survived 7 days without the kids' full-time caretaker, my biggest pandemic nightmare. As we always do, we rolled with the punches, got one of our Mother's Helpers to come help out a few days and it actually renewed my confidence in my parenting. That renewed confidence is something I'm very grateful for as my schedule and work commitments are about to shift drastically. Repeat after me, "We can do hard things." (Thanks, Glennon Doyle).

On top of all of the change, we are still reckoning with Black people dying at the hands of police, an intense election that may be contested and a rise in COVID across the nation and the world. Every day feels like an onslaught of pain and I've had to work hard to find some space for self-care. This is actually impossible, yet we continue to trudge on. I've found myself flirting with the idea of doing things that I know we really aren't supposed to do in relation to COVID. I've come close to agreeing to attend small gatherings indoors. I've fantasized about going to visit family for the holidays. Luckily, Ryan (surprisingly) is more steady with our commitment to follow the rules, so we will be alone and hopefully connecting with our loved ones online as much as possible. We are also doing as many social interactions as we can outside while the weather is still palatable. The winter is certainly looming and I am frantically trying to come up with a plan to entertain the kids inside for months on end. 

Halloween is tomorrow and we've milked the poor holiday for all it is worth this year. We've carved a pumpkin, put up decorations on our windows (that only we can see, ha!), eaten Halloween candy and treats for the last week, listened and danced to Halloween music, drawn Halloween pictures, visited Halloween decorations in our neighborhood and read so many Halloween books. Tomorrow we are carving another pumpkin in the morning and stopping by a neighborhood outdoor Halloween party in the afternoon. This year it feels like a last hurrah before whatever the election may bring, so I'm trying to stay cheerful through the weekend. 

So this is the last big breath before what I hope is not a storm next week. I'm grateful that the timing of my new job resulted in a week off before I start, so I will get to ride the craziness without job worries. I wish you all safety, mental healthy and lots of love during this festive weekend. Do your part to stop the spread and if you haven't done so already, get your booty to the polls to vote! 

Uncomfortably Numb in the Time of Coronavirus & the Great Reckoning

I don't have the capacity to talk about anything going on in our nation right now because I don't trust myself to have clear thoughts or ideas to share. I've reached some sort of new low in this pandemic depression where I vacillate between rage and numbness. I feel as though I am on this journey of emotional regression and I currently find myself somewhere between teen and early 20s angst. And on top of the angst toward God, the country, and several other organizations or individuals that definitely don't fully deserve it, the tiny adult in the corner of my brain spends an equal amount of time chastising the angsty teen. I'm terrified of what will happen when my emotional regression reaches the same level as Javi's emotional development. 

In true teen angst, I've found the perfect song to describe my inner turmoil. Check out Pink Floyd's "Great Gig in the Sky" and that is EXACTLY how my inner turmoil would sound if it were given speakers (wait until around the 1 minute mark for full effect). Okay, okay, in reality, it would most likely sound like a particularly gnarly version of a Claire Danes sob/cry, but we can all have our dreams. 

So, I was absent from the blog last week because we had a COVID scare. It started with a cold that Javi developed, that I picked up after a few days and it was very rough and ended up with Liv getting an actual fever. Liv and I got COVID tests and they thankfully came back negative. The worst part about this crappy virus we got is that I know exactly where we got it. I broke down after 6 months and took Javi to the playground the Sunday before. There were minimal kids in there, he now wears a mask and I've gotten to the point where I am so depressed that I'm having a hard time finding creative ways to entertain him. It was a magical morning, he played, ran, climbed, did basically everything on his own except the fireperson pole and it was so wonderful to see how much he has advanced in his physical abilities. He was ecstatic. But clearly, we didn't do a good enough job of hand sanitizing and washing up afterward because we picked something up. And let me tell you, IT WASN'T WORTH IT. It wasn't worth the COVID anxiety. It wasn't worth the guilt of having passed this on to our caretaker and my sister's household. It wasn't worth feeling horrible for 3 days and having to quarantine until the test results. It wasn't worth the kids still having lingering runny noses and Liv still feeling pretty crappy. Because we can't fly up the grandparents to help. Because we can't hire a babysitter on the weekend to give us a moment if we are feeling ill. It all fell on Ryan, who took it on graciously, but we are already frayed. So, no more playground. 

This trend, unfortunately, continued. One of my happy places lately has been re-watching the excellent trailer for the new Dune movie (which, coincidentally, includes a fantastic version of Pink Floyd's "Eclipse"). In my excitement, I decided to take a break from my anti-racist reading list and I reread the book. The day after finishing the book, it was announced that they are delaying the release date of the movie from December 2020 to October 2021. 

And lastly, two weeks ago, an agent from the New York State Department of Labor called Ryan to ask more about our financial situation since we haven't yet qualified for unemployment or any COVID relief. We got a letter today confirming that we will basically never qualify since Ryan quit his job in February. 

I've started really wondering what God is preparing us for during this drought and to entertain myself, I've started imagining that perhaps we will be selected as a colonization family to colonize Mars. We've been isolated for so long, we know how to take care of ourselves in a small apartment. With the face shields I purchased, we are basically ready for space helmets. I mean, we are a perfect match for a colonization family!!!! What's that you say? There is probably a rigorous psychiatrist test I would have to pass for that type of mission? And you're not sure I would pass?  

Because things are so heavy, I'm just going to list some bright spots I've been leaning on recently:

1. It is Halloween season. I love Halloween and I'm going to try to get the kids into the spirit all month. Javi has been making some excellent Halloween drawings.

2. I've re-engaged with "For the Girls" podcast and I highly recommend it. Such a fun deep dive into Divas that will have you giggling and inspired. I'm a big fan of their Murder She Wrote recaps and they recently covered Elaine Stritch and it was fabulous. 

3.  At night, I've been trying to blunt my overactive and overanxious mind with distractions, and last night I found the ideal combo of listening to a "For the Girls" podcast while playing Mario Odyssey on the Switch. 

4. I would claim that the resurgence of playing lots of Nintendo is part of the emotional regression to angsty teen....but that would be a lie. I've always played a lot of Nintendo. So maybe this means I'm actually just an angsty teen? Forever and ever? How typical Pisces of me. 

5. Ben & Jerry's Pint Slices. 

6. Liv is overcoming her delayed speech a bit and is starting to say some clear words. Her most recent word is "Minnie" because she has a hand-me-down Minnie doll from her cousin Teddy and the way she says Minnie MELTS MY HEART. It sounds like "Meh-nay." I can't wait to hear what her voice ends up sounding like. Maybe I will start hearing "mama" soon. 

Okay, that is all I have. Somehow this entry ended up having a Pink Floyd theme, and I'm just going to go with it. I hope we all survive the debate tonight.