Grim Resignation in the Time of Coronavirus

We are now about 3 weeks into quarantine life and I am hoping that we are heading toward as much of a sense of normalcy that one can have right now. After a couple of weeks of nearly killing each other, Ryan and I sat down and hashed things out. Our lives have changed in both the grand scale and in the tiny details of quotidian life. Everything changed. We were unprepared emotionally and the biggest pain points ended up being the smallest things. A new division of labor needed to be established. But, as the death toll and infection rate continue to skyrocket in NYC, as the recommendations for avoiding the virus and staying safe change daily and as our children continue to go through phases (a fact that already takes a toll and requires constant adaptation), we didn't even have the bandwidth to acknowledge that the little routines no longer made sense.  

It took us 2 full weeks of no sleep to realize that our sleep routine with the kids no longer made sense. Before our nanny moved in, the kids were in separate rooms. Each night, we would swap being in charge of a particular child, meaning you slept with their monitor and got up with them whenever they woke up. This usually meant the person with Javi got more sleep. We kept this up even though they were now in the same room and waking each other up and it made no damn difference which kid you had because the minute you walked into the room to deal with one, the other one was crying for you. 

It took us 2 full weeks to realize that Olivia was having a sleep regression because she just learned to pull herself up and she was doing that uncontrollably at night and unable to sit back down. This would in turn wake up Javi and yada, yada, yada.  We switched her to the travel crib that has no bars for pulling up and she has slept through the night the last two nights. For the last 2 weeks, I woke up wanting to murder someone. I actually said to Ryan one day, "I hate all of you" and proceeded to name each person in our apartment, as if he needed that clarity.  

Shopping for food is no longer the lovely activity that I would do online once a week, occasionally stopping by and grabbing some items on the way home from work. It now requires checking every day to see if something is now in stock on FreshDirect and making sure to get it in your cart and saved as soon as possible. Their stock is running out so frequently that I have to spend so much time going through the exercise at checkout of being told something is no longer available and here is another option but then you choose that other option and it is no longer available and you are now in the circle of hell that is FreshDirect in the time of Corona. Once you are finished with the FreshDirect nightmare, you now have a list of everything not available on FreshDirect and one of us has to brave exposure by going across the street to the grocery store. I managed to find medical gloves, but, as is well known, masks are nowhere in sight and should be reserved for the medical professionals anyway. So, we wear gloves, hats, scarves around our faces, wipe ourselves down with alcohol and Clorox wipes when we return and hope for the best.    

Our lovely cleaning crew is no longer coming, so we had to add those chores to our weekly list and divide up the labor. While not devastating, it is just another thing to which our beleaguered minds had to adapt.  

Meanwhile, as our tiny family drama plays out, our city is under an actual ambush from an invisible enemy. We hear sirens and helicopters way more frequently. The Javits Center, where I took my NY State Bar Exam in 2008, where I picked up marathon bibs at NYC Marathon Expos in 2014 and with Ryan in 2016, was converted into a hospital. Central Park, where I've run the loop so many times on training runs and New York Road Runner races, where I've taken my children to play and enjoy nature, is now home to medical field camps to manage the overflow of COVID patients from hospitals.    

So, it took us 2 weeks, several moments of wanting to wring each other's neck and one very emotional sit down to adjust. I would describe last week as the first stage of grief. I cried nearly every morning. This week feels more like grim resignation, but a welcome change. 

It isn't all bad. We get so much more time with the kids. I no longer have to do bedtime alone. Since Ryan is home more, Javi is starting to ask for him and not demand mama all the time. We are lucky to have so many options for food delivery, although we try to minimize that as there is exposure. We discovered that we are great coworkers. Our weekdays are peaceful in our room, working hard and taking breaks to look out the window. We get to eat lunch together. Every night as of last Friday, NYC takes a few minutes at 7pm to yell thank you, clap, bang pans and cheer for our healthcare workers, an idea taken from our European friends. I've started looking forward to this time, as it makes me feel less isolated, less useless and more hopeful.  

To my fellow New Yorkers, I see you and I feel for you. If you are going through your own family dramas as you adjust to the new reality, you are not alone. Be kind to yourself and to one another. This shit is hard. For those in other cities that haven't been hit this hard yet, enjoy the freedoms you have now and please, keep sharing all of those pictures of you outside enjoying nature with your families. It helps keep this girl from going crazy with cabin fever and it helps me remember what there is on the other side of this.    

 

And I just want to acknowledge that I know I have it a lot easier than so many other New Yorkers. This pandemic disproportionately affects people who already have little resources or privileges. As many of you know, I work for a school exclusively for under-served students. Sheltering in place and distance learning are much greater challenges for them. If you are so inclined, please consider making a donation to help.  More info here. 

Stay safe, healthy and sane!

Gratitude in the Time of Coronavirus

Things I am thankful for:

1.  We moved our kids into the same room without a hiccup.  It was bizarre how easy it was and now I feel foolish for not having done it sooner.  Liv seems to do better with some company.  Javi now has an in-person audience for his morning monologues and songs, so he doesn't call for us as quickly.  This means we get a chance to actually wake up a bit before going in to get them.  

2.  Rosanna, Javi & Liv's caregiver, moved in with us out of the kindness of her heart, even though she claims she doesn't want to be away from them and she doesn't want to be alone at home.  You know what, strike that.  She is the family caregiver, not just the kids.  Every minute of every day since she moved in on Wednesday I have been overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude for her.  She did not have to do this, but she did and now the kids get to stay on their same schedule allowing Ryan and I to work and also to have some breathing room each day to plan and react to this ever changing scenario.  She is also wonderful company and we are thankful to have another soul to interact with face-to-face.  

3.  Our apt and having learned flexibility through the experience of changing it around frequently to accommodate different circumstances.  Growing from one to two babies.  Housing a second family two summers in a row.  Housing visiting family and friends.  

4.  The experience of two maternity leaves that require a lot of "sheltering in place" so I know what my needs are and how to manage them within the confines of our apartment. 

5.  A job that can be done from home. Oh man, SUPER grateful for this one. 

6.  A husband I like to be around. I obviously love him, but very thankful that I like his company because we are glued at the hip now! (Although, I'm very aware that we may be sick of each other in a few weeks.)  

7.  My babies. I'm grateful for them every damn day, but right now, I'm especially grateful for their hugs, kisses, smiles and laughs.The world is still new to them, and even within the confines of our apartment they are learning, growing and thriving. They really don't know what is going on, so when I'm with them, I plan on trying to let go of the reality and just be immersed in their experience of becoming human beings. As a friend of mine, Kate Mangold, shared with me today, specifically about drawing, "Children have a way of seeing that is unique and adults see things differently, we don't want them to draw like us, but how they see things." Isn't that beautiful and also maybe something we should do outside of drawing? So, my intention for this week is to try to see the current world through Javi & Liv's eyes and set aside all of the adult anxiety and fear as much as possible.  

8. My health. I've been either pregnant or recuperating from pregnancy for the last 3 years.  During my entire pregnancy with Liv I had a stuffy nose. This winter I had the flu and a nasty cold that lasted nearly 2 months. But, right when COVID started popping up in NYC, all of my symptoms improved and for the first time in 3 years, I actually feel physically well. I tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac, so I'm incredible grateful that I am symptom free right now. 

So, there you have it, folks. Those are the things I am grateful for this week. Not sure this will be a weekly thing, but I really needed to work through them today. 

I hope you all stay as safe and sane as possible this weekend and take a moment to breathe some fresh air, but safely 6 feet away from everyone.  

Anxiety in the Time of Coronavirus

Time Stamp 4:30pm on Friday 3/13 because this thing is changing hour by hour

Last night, I was giving Liv a bath in her little plastic bathtub.  She was happily splashing and playing with her bath toys as I was lathering her up with soap.  I was focused on her legs and feet when I realized that she was very still and quiet.  As I turned to look up at her head, the water in the bathtub had risen above the edge of the bathtub, all the way up above her head and she was drowning.  Not knowing what to do in the face of something scientifically impossible, I swatted at the water and pulled her out.  I started hitting her back and tried to recall the lessons from the infant CPR class I took 2 years ago while pregnant with Javi.  I remembered I needed to call 911, but couldn't find my phone.  Then, I woke up suddenly in my bed, full of sweat and my heart racing.  It was only a nightmare.  

This describes the anxiety I think we've all been living this past week.  My previous post on uncertainty seems so mild now.  Something you never thought possible is all of a sudden at your doorstep and you don't feel like anyone has a good handle on the right thing to do.  My social media is flooded with news, information and a lot of shaming.  You are shamed if you prepare.  You are shamed if you don't prepare.  You are shamed for being concerned for your health.  You are shamed for not being concerned for your health.  People are using this as an opportunity to shame you for things having nothing to do with Coronavirus.  The people shaming you for one thing last week are now shaming you for the total opposite this week.  

Everyone has an opinion.  The only thing anyone seems to agree on is that you should definitely wash your hands.  Thank goodness there is one thing we can rally around and that the experts agree is one of the most important ways to combat the spread of this beast.  And, I've GREATLY enjoyed the hand washing memes.  

I had a meltdown on Wednesday night.  I was completely overwhelmed with the amount of decisions that I needed to make, without any clear guidelines.  The answer I received if I asked others for input was always, "that is really a personal decision."  Should I cancel a trip scheduled for Easter to Texas?  Should I cancel my birthday dinner on Sunday?  Should I cancel my facial on Thursday?  Should I stop taking Javi to his Gymboree class on Tuesdays and Thursdays?  Should I buy more food in the event that we can't receive deliveries?  What do I do about childcare if the subways shut down? How can I get our nanny to our house if that happens?  If given the option to work from home, should I stay home?  

I was frustrated by the lack of clarity from everyone (and I mean everyone, not taking political sides here) in leadership.  I started reading articles about how the other countries are handling it.  Social distancing seems to be the prevalent theory on the best way to reduce the spread.  I also greatly hope that more tests become available so we can actually know who is infected.   

So, Javi went to Gymboree on Thursday because there are only 6 kids in his class and everyone walks from nearby apartments.  I may not send him next  week, but we will see when Tuesday rolls around.  I went to my facial last night because it would only be me and the facialist in a room and they are very intense about hygiene (and they ended up closing up shop today).  I cancelled my birthday dinner out because taking a group to a small and potentially bustling restaurant with people we don't know didn't feel right.  We may have a gathering at our home instead.  And, I did stock up on supplies given that my husband's job already went to work-from-home.  I didn't do it excessively, but I considered it prudent to have more supplies at home in the event that we are all home for several weeks.  I will probably still go into work some days as my work will be open and I can walk there.

  

Were/are my answers prudent?  I don't know. I hope so.  But, I have a much greater hope that our leadership (again ALL LEADERSHIP) can figure out a way to help us do the right thing to stop the spread of this horrible virus.  I almost wish for a total shutdown so that there is no gray area, even though I am aware of the detriment that would cause in other ways that also endangers people. 

So, I guess for now, I will pray for good leadership.  I will pray for prudence when making all of these personal (but that don't feel personal at all) choices and try to follow social distancing as much as possible.  I will pray for everyone's health, especially those most at risk.  I will pray that our society makes prudent choices until we have more clarity from leadership.  I will cover all of my coughs and sneezes.  AND I WILL WASH MY DAMN HANDS!  

Hugh Grant and I say thanks

I grew up in a household where community and socializing were not major priorities.  Our semi-isolation resulted from not only specific personality traits and preferences, but also from our status as immigrants.  Not exactly hermits, we tended to stay in the peripheries of certain social or family circles.  There were times when social engagement was greater than others, but I always remember feeling like a bit of an outsider in those circles, or a temporary interloper.  Although my desire for friendship has always been strong, I was completely convinced that I was a textbook introvert.  

When I first started dating my super social husband, I suffered from a lot of social anxiety.  While I do think that people naturally differ in the amount of social interaction they need in their life, I also think the environment you were raised in plays a big role. I realize now that it was impossible for me to learn or understand how to navigate social norms (and specifically American social norms) when I didn't have an example at home. I learned a lot of those things on my own, on the fly and with very limited context or depth.  So, thanks to all of you that have stayed around amidst all of the awkwardness.  

I've definitely grown, and in the last few years, I've realized that I'm actually quite the extrovert.  I really thrive when I have plenty of social interactions.  As my husband jokes, he brings in the friends and I keep them.  Despite all of that, the awkwardness still lurks around the corner.  It comes back in stressful times, and becoming a parent brought it forth.  I found early motherhood to be so lonely.  I knew there were mom groups out there, I was told to join mom groups and I even attempted to go to some classes with Javi.  Everyone at those classes already seemed to have a friend and if I tried to chat with people, it always felt forced and I always felt like I was coming on too strong.  "DESPERATE LONELY MOM SEEKS OTHER DESPERATE LONELY MOMS TO BE DESPERATELY ALONE, BUT TOGETHER?"  

After those failed attempts, I started sharing more of my journey on social media.  The good, the bad, the ugly and the TMI.  And all of a sudden, people started reaching out, both through social media and through other forms of communication.  Old friends, acquaintances, former colleagues, friends of friends and family from all over the world.  Bonds were created or strengthened.  I may not have a physically close tribe that I see on a regular basis, something I ultimately wish I had, but that is hard to do in NYC with kids.  But I have all of you.  While many don't wish to share about their children on social media (which I completely respect and understand), I'm grateful that so many people know and care about my children.  I hope that I'm creating a tribe for them to be with them as they grow, because I know very well that I cannot provide them with everything they will ever need.  But mostly, this tribe has meant the world to me in the last couple of years.  You've uplifted me in dark times, you've provided connection in the loneliness of early motherhood, you've helped me navigate sleep regressions and potty training (okay that one isn't navigated quite yet, but will be eventually), you've celebrated milestones and successes and most of all, you've laughed with me about the ridiculousness that is life in general and parenting specifically.  

So, Hugh Grant (who plays awkward but lovable to perfection and whose movies are secretly some of my husband's favorites) and I say thank you for being a part of the tribe and for following our journey.