Anxiety in the Time of Coronavirus

Time Stamp 4:30pm on Friday 3/13 because this thing is changing hour by hour

Last night, I was giving Liv a bath in her little plastic bathtub.  She was happily splashing and playing with her bath toys as I was lathering her up with soap.  I was focused on her legs and feet when I realized that she was very still and quiet.  As I turned to look up at her head, the water in the bathtub had risen above the edge of the bathtub, all the way up above her head and she was drowning.  Not knowing what to do in the face of something scientifically impossible, I swatted at the water and pulled her out.  I started hitting her back and tried to recall the lessons from the infant CPR class I took 2 years ago while pregnant with Javi.  I remembered I needed to call 911, but couldn't find my phone.  Then, I woke up suddenly in my bed, full of sweat and my heart racing.  It was only a nightmare.  

This describes the anxiety I think we've all been living this past week.  My previous post on uncertainty seems so mild now.  Something you never thought possible is all of a sudden at your doorstep and you don't feel like anyone has a good handle on the right thing to do.  My social media is flooded with news, information and a lot of shaming.  You are shamed if you prepare.  You are shamed if you don't prepare.  You are shamed for being concerned for your health.  You are shamed for not being concerned for your health.  People are using this as an opportunity to shame you for things having nothing to do with Coronavirus.  The people shaming you for one thing last week are now shaming you for the total opposite this week.  

Everyone has an opinion.  The only thing anyone seems to agree on is that you should definitely wash your hands.  Thank goodness there is one thing we can rally around and that the experts agree is one of the most important ways to combat the spread of this beast.  And, I've GREATLY enjoyed the hand washing memes.  

I had a meltdown on Wednesday night.  I was completely overwhelmed with the amount of decisions that I needed to make, without any clear guidelines.  The answer I received if I asked others for input was always, "that is really a personal decision."  Should I cancel a trip scheduled for Easter to Texas?  Should I cancel my birthday dinner on Sunday?  Should I cancel my facial on Thursday?  Should I stop taking Javi to his Gymboree class on Tuesdays and Thursdays?  Should I buy more food in the event that we can't receive deliveries?  What do I do about childcare if the subways shut down? How can I get our nanny to our house if that happens?  If given the option to work from home, should I stay home?  

I was frustrated by the lack of clarity from everyone (and I mean everyone, not taking political sides here) in leadership.  I started reading articles about how the other countries are handling it.  Social distancing seems to be the prevalent theory on the best way to reduce the spread.  I also greatly hope that more tests become available so we can actually know who is infected.   

So, Javi went to Gymboree on Thursday because there are only 6 kids in his class and everyone walks from nearby apartments.  I may not send him next  week, but we will see when Tuesday rolls around.  I went to my facial last night because it would only be me and the facialist in a room and they are very intense about hygiene (and they ended up closing up shop today).  I cancelled my birthday dinner out because taking a group to a small and potentially bustling restaurant with people we don't know didn't feel right.  We may have a gathering at our home instead.  And, I did stock up on supplies given that my husband's job already went to work-from-home.  I didn't do it excessively, but I considered it prudent to have more supplies at home in the event that we are all home for several weeks.  I will probably still go into work some days as my work will be open and I can walk there.

  

Were/are my answers prudent?  I don't know. I hope so.  But, I have a much greater hope that our leadership (again ALL LEADERSHIP) can figure out a way to help us do the right thing to stop the spread of this horrible virus.  I almost wish for a total shutdown so that there is no gray area, even though I am aware of the detriment that would cause in other ways that also endangers people. 

So, I guess for now, I will pray for good leadership.  I will pray for prudence when making all of these personal (but that don't feel personal at all) choices and try to follow social distancing as much as possible.  I will pray for everyone's health, especially those most at risk.  I will pray that our society makes prudent choices until we have more clarity from leadership.  I will cover all of my coughs and sneezes.  AND I WILL WASH MY DAMN HANDS!