A Bullet with Butterfly Wings in the Time of Coronavirus and the Great Reckoning

I want to open with my utter horror at the Grand Jury decision in the Breonna Taylor case. All I will say is that a legal framework that honors the loss or damage of property over the death of a HUMAN needs to be changed. Don't come at me with legality arguments. I was an attorney, I understand them. Laws can be flawed and we are clearly seeing how many of them are disproportionately impacting Black people. Humanity trumps legality, in my book. As I always do, I think about what Jesus would say, do or think. I think He would be angry and I think He would have some choice words for us.   

Someone posted this Maya Angelou quote this week "If you must look back, do so forgivingly. If you must look forward, do so prayerfully. However, the wisest thing you can do is be present in the present... gratefully." 

We are in struggle city with being in the present. The weekends are the easiest because young children don't allow you to be anything other than in the present. It just feels like it has been so long without any financial certainty as we watch our savings quickly deplete. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the savings. And for our food and shelter and health. But, I just feel like something has to give soon or we are going to lose our minds. I know I need to stop looking forward because right now, I can't do so prayerfully. I try, but my prayers feel hollow because in reality I'm angry and bitter with God. Why are You doing this to us? I feel He is pushing us somewhere and some days I feel like I know where and other days I feel like I've totally lost the thread. I want Him to make it easy and to hand it to me on a silver platter (scratch that, on a platter of fancy, expensive, delicious sushi which I miss dearly), especially after the hard months he has given us. But, deep down, I know that isn't how it works. 

He keeps showing me that my sane and happy place is in writing. And going two weeks without blogging made me very miserable. But, it doesn't solve any of our problems. It doesn't provide for us financially. It doesn't employ Ryan. It doesn't allow us to see our family during a pandemic. It doesn't keep our family in Florida safe from hurricanes or our family in California safe from fires. It doesn't educate, entertain or provide social interactions for the kids. It CERTAINLY doesn't keep us or any of our loved ones safe from COVID. 

Tiny Side Note: I just imagined a story where I am the savior of the pandemic because my writing somehow cures COVID, but I have to stay behind a computer 24 hours a day and type non-stop because if I don't, people will die. Not sure you can get more egotistical or ridiculous than that and somehow I have the audacity to believe that I've learned my lesson and please God, GET ME OUTTA HERE. 

Even as I was writing the above paragraph, a small voice inside started providing counterarguments to all of those logical and sane observations. But it is fun! It allows you to be exactly you without any pretense, code-switching, people-pleasing, reservations, apologies or interruptions. It has connected you with people near and far in deeper ways. So many of you have shared your own vulnerabilities, situations, fears and stories. I cherish those so greatly because sharing your truth is one of the biggest gifts a human can give another human. And so many people take other's stories for granted. For those of you that have shared, thank you for those gifts.

So I guess God is telling me to continue the one activity that does nothing but provide joy. WOW. Sheesh. Okay God, you are being very anti-capitalist and I'm not sure what to do about that. Maybe it is tied to the current apocalypse?  Something about joy being more important than money? Nah, couldn't be. 

1. It has been about a month now that we've had a toddler bed available to Javi. He likes to play and read in it, but any time we suggest actually sleeping in it, he refuses. In the last couple of weeks, his verbal ability has really advanced and he is speaking in such clear and thoughtful sentences. He loves repeating things we say (Ryan really has to watch those f bombs) and "reading" books out loud. Toddlerhood is so funny because the child is clearly still a baby in many ways, but also a tiny adult. This week, as I was putting dishes away in the morning before going in to get the kids, I heard Javi stand up in his crib and say, "Mama, can you get me out of here, please?" A lovely, full, polite sentence coming from my little man child, still in a diaper and still in his beloved crib. 

2. We are still watching Lord of the Rings and are currently in the middle of Return of the King. We have the extended versions of all 3 movies which are each 4 hours long, so we are treating them like a miniseries. I've had a couple of thoughts come up during this umpteenth viewing. Peter Jackson had no creativity when he designed the looks of the Orcs. Take a good look at the two orcs below and tell me you don't see Sloth from Goonies and Cindy Lou Who from the Grinch.

Secondly, can we bring back usage of the phrase "What say you?" In my Diversity & Inclusion Certificate Program, I'm learning all of these ways to foster inclusion in the workplace and one of them is to make it a priority to ask everyone on a team their opinion on a matter. Wouldn't it be thrilling to be asked, "What say you?" in a meeting? I feel like it has the right level of challenge/positive motivation while asking you to provide your thoughts! No? 

3. Last night I was relaying some stress to Ryan (the 400th of the week, or actually probably day, poor guy) and he told me that he had my pandemic anthem. He pulled out his phone and played "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" by the Smashing Pumpkins. Isn't it just perfect? I mean, the opening lyric is "the world is a vampire, sent to drain" and the chorus is "despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage."  I laughed for a full 5 minutes about the absurd perfection and we ended up having a delightful grunge listening party. It made me really wonder why the 90s produced such dark music while we are over here in a pandemic, with our earth on fire and democracy in shambles dancing to WAP.

2020

Us

Nevertheless, We Persist in the Time of Coronavirus and the Great Reckoning

It has been a bit since I've been able to post. Life became a perfect storm of craziness for a few weeks with work, personal stuff, my certificate program, etc., etc. We've had several intense ups and downs in the last few weeks and I felt a bit emotionally paralyzed by it all. As my therapist says, the cumulative effect of being quarantined for 6 months (6 MONTHS!) is getting to everyone. It is wild that I actually have to take the time to remind myself of everything that is going on in the world and in our personal lives in order to have proper prospective. 

So, we are still in the same place we were at my last post, but I think we've had a lot of spiritual and personal growth during that time. The lessons we were starting to learn have really started to sink in and are become normal thinking. I've been sounding like a broken record lately because I feel like I have to keep telling myself and Ryan that all this hard time is a worthy endeavor. Addressing systemic and personal racism, even if it can be excruciatingly painful and uncomfortable is a worthy endeavor. Seeking more fulfillment in Ryan's career, no matter how long it takes, is a worthy endeavor. Along with their caretaker, being everything for the kids right now since they can't do classes or school or easily play with friends is a worthy endeavor. Sticking with science and following COVID rules as closely as possible, while seeing SO MANY people going about their lives like normal, not wearing masks, etc. is a worthy endeavor. 

We are alive, healthy, we have the means to weather this storm for a bit longer and we have our beautiful and wild children. So for now, we are trying very hard to be content in our current reality. Emphasis on "trying." I hope all of you have managed to find some peace in this storm. If so, please share!!

I had a few more lighthearted stories to share, but unfortunately, the below 2 were the only ones that were written before I found out about Ruth Bader Ginsberg's death. And now, the lightheartedness has escaped me. While I'm devastated for what this means for our Supreme Court, I cannot help but feel that the poor woman was working so hard to stay alive for all of us and I wish her so much rest in peace and power. Thank you for your service.  

1. We are trying to raise the kids bilingual, which means I have to speak Spanish all the time to them, and while I'm fluent-ish, I'm still more comfortable in English. This has worked out okay until now, when communication has gotten more complicated with Javi. Let's just say Alexa is working overtime providing translations for more complicated vocabulary. I don't know if it is my exhaustion with speaking Spanish all the time or my work to dismantle dumb gender norms, but I've become incredibly frustrated by having to teach Javi "proper" pronouns. Right now he calls everyone "hombre" and refers to everyone as "he/him." It feels so dumb that I have to explain to him the differences. Can't we just use "they/them" and refer to everyone as "that person?" Like, what do the pronouns actually do other than reinforce gender norms? Who cares if someone is a boy or a girl? You know?  Anyway, our curious Javi is currently asking "what is happening" about EVERYTHING so we will be on the street and he will point to someone and ask loudly, "WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT HOMBRE???"

2. I was really struggling to get out of a funk today, so I took a break from work to learn the WAP TikTok dance. Yes, you heard me right. It has been so long since I've learned a dance, so I looked up a tutorial on Youtube basically made for grandmas. I proudly learned the dance within the 15 minute tutorial and managed to only do 4 takes before I had a decent version. I sent it through Instagram using the "view only once" option to a small number of unlucky friends that had to watch a 37 year old mother of two attempt some dangerous dance moves for 15 seconds. I am proud I didn't pull any muscles, but I expect tomorrow I may be in pain. Best 30 minute work break I've ever taken. 

Friends, until the next time I can eke out some time and energy, I wish you well!