36 Years - An Inventory

The Good
A partner that supports, encourages, gently challenges, listens, laughs, makes me laugh and loves
A son that smiles, laughs, dances, loves learning, expresses his feelings and keeps me in a state of intoxicated love and wonder.
A little dragon daughter that likes to party in my belly all night and despite her feistiness, has given me an easy pregnancy so far.
A sister that loves me fiercely, loves my son fiercely, wants to see me reach my full potential, makes me think critically daily and who truly knows me inside and out.
A brother that is an incredible example of living your dream and constantly hustling, that laughs at my jokes and is always supportive.
Incredibly supportive parents that remind me daily of all the dangers in the world, listen to my struggles and triumphs and that are there for me in a heart beat if I need them.
A village of girlfriends and female family members that provide companionship (even if only electronically), support, advice, and joy.

The Bad
My wacky post pregnancy/pregnancy hair that defies any attempt at taming
Less energy
Work life balance
Skin care routine that seems to get more complicated and take longer
No time to nap
Occasional insomnia
No more wild, adventure- filled, exotic trips for several years
Being tied to a toddler nap schedule on the weekends

The Unexpected
Watching Jeopardy and doing well as a couch contestant
Becoming a decent NYTimes crossword puzzler
Waking up to Ryan, on his own and by choice, playing Lady Gaga songs from a A Star is Born
Working for a school that is actually helping break the poverty cycle
Still finding time to play new Zelda games when they come out
Getting my entire family hooked to a dance video game
Needing less sleep
Loving having a full house
Missing coffee more than booze
Enjoying date nights at home
Still living in NYC

Birthdays are a great time for reflection, hence the inventory above. It is incredible to look back 5 or 10 years ago. I would have laughed at you back then if you told me this is what my life would look like at 36. God is endlessly more creative than I could ever be and I’m incredibly grateful that I haven’t mucked things up too badly with my own life plans. My path has certainly been interesting!

In my own mind, I’ve been 36 for the last 3 months. It always seems wrong to say I’m 35 when I’m way closer to the bigger number. Plus, I love getting older. I realize this is the opposite feeling most people have about birthdays. I keep waiting for that birthday when my perspective changes. First, people told me 30. Now, it’s 40. I will let you know if it happens, but I hope it never does.

Today, I feel excited about the future. That also seems insane, since I’m entering my third trimester, staring down the barrel of having two kids under 2 and looking at some big changes later in 2019. I should be terrified! Instead, I’m excited to take on the challenges (and it will be hell, someone send me a link to this when I’m about to lose my mind during those newborn months), but ultimately, I’m excited about working towards finding true fulfillment in all areas of my life. I’ve had so many conversations with family and friends recently about peaking in life, life regrets and feeling stuck and unmotivated. I know that sometimes it feels safer to stick with the known than to pursue dreams that may not become a reality, but I would really hate to wake up 40 years from now and regret playing it safe. I think sometimes people don’t make changes in their lives because they don’t have a specific dream/goal to pursue. This is the ultimate life purgatory, because it keeps you shackled to your mediocre circumstances. It’s neither heaven nor hell on earth. I would rather dump the purgatory, gamble with having hell for awhile, and ultimately pursue heaven. In a way, purgatory is the true hell, and the devil uses the threat of hell to keep us in purgatory.

So, with this new year around the sun, I shall seek excitement, fulfillment, challenge and adventure! And again, please remind me of this optimism in a few months. And I promise I will try not to punch you in the face from the delirium of sleep deprivation.

Ash Wednesday

I did a hard thing last week. This hard thing put me in the ring against stability, control and knowing the future.  Three things that I tend to worship in some fashion or other.  As we are entering the Lenten season, I've been thinking a lot about my comfort zone.  At this time, I am usually looking at my life and trying to find that thing I rely on the most for comfort.  It usually has to do with food since it is the tail end of winter and I'm usually getting through my seasonal depression by comfort eating.  This year, post-hard thing, I am forced to sit with a decision made, but no way to really act on it until later in the year.  If you know me, you know that this is hell for me.  I'm a doer, a woman of action.  If there is a problem, I dive head first into it and try to find the best solution immediately, while ignoring anything else going on around me.  It is compulsive.  Even though I can't act on anything yet, you best believe that I'm doing my damndest to try to solve as much as I can beforehand.  But is that even helpful to my ultimate goal?  Sure, there are things I can do that are necessary and would be very productive.  However, I think I need to spend some time thinking about what is actually productive and what is just running in circles to make myself feel better.

So, this Lent, while I will give up something related to my comfort eating, I'm going to try to be still and in the moment.  I'm going to try to cherish the little things going on in my life, like the fact that Javi is all of a sudden really attached to me and wants to spend our time each day sitting in my lap, playing with a toy or reading a book.  Perhaps he realizes that my lap is slowly growing smaller and that his life is going to change in a big way in three months.  I'm going to focus on making good decisions each day, and doing my very best at work.  I'm going to enjoy the quiet nights Ryan and I are having once Javi goes to sleep.  These nights were something I grieved for tremendously during those early months with Javi. I was shocked that I got them back once Javi started sleeping through the night.  I will be giving them up again in a few months, so I want to cherish them while I have them.  I'm going to try to relish in the mundane routine of every day life because once this baby girl arrives, it will be chaos all over again for awhile. I've made the hard choice, and now I can rest for awhile knowing it was the right decision.

Is the future uncertain?  Yes.  But, it always is.  No amount of effort will make the future knowable, and thus my controlling ways are mostly wasted energy.  Every plan that I've tried to bring to fruition has been disrupted and changed by God in the best way possible.  He has helped me despite myself, EVERY DAMN TIME.  So instead of trying to do His job, I am going to do what feels so counterproductive and lazy to me.  I'm going to sit and try to listen to what He has to say to me.  I'm going to be patient and enjoy the present, instead of running as hard as I can to catch up to the future.  AND, I'm going to try not to order in dessert every night of the week.   Goodbye Insomnia Cookies and 16 Handles delivery!