Olivia's Arrival

Well, here we are.  Today would have been week 37 of my pregnancy and instead of complaining about another 3 weeks of pregnancy, I'm sitting on my bed, staring at Olivia Kay McRae-Gutierrez (Liv) who decided to abandon the womb a whole month early.  I would have loved to have titled this post, "In Defense of the Scheduled C-Section," with a subtitle of "A less traumatic birth experience for those with no choice."  But alas, God laughs heartily at all of our well laid plans and He had a big 'ole laugh in store for me.  So, without further ado, here is Liv's birth story.

Sunday, May 12th was Mother's Day.  We celebrated by enjoying one of our last few weekends alone with Javi.  As we do, we also celebrated with a giant Mrs. Field's cookie cake.  I know I live in NYC with amazing bakeries, but there is nothing more delicious than a full-of-chemicals, Mrs. Field's cookie cake that comes in the mail and stays fresh for a month.  It is my crack.  Ryan and I watched the second to last episode of Game of Thrones with a cookie cake nightcap and called it a night. 

I woke up around 4:30am with stomach pains.  Since I had eaten about a quarter or more of the cookie cake the day before, I figured it was just gas.  I got up, took some Tums and tried to go back to sleep.  But, the pains kept coming and they kept coming in waves.  I finally called the doctor and she recommended that I head to the hospital to get checked out.  I was hesitant, not wanting to go and have them laugh at me for freaking out over gas pains.  I said I would give it another hour, and if it still didn't go away, I would head to the hospital and let her know.  Between "gas pains," I packed my hospital bag.  Rosanna, our nanny, wasn't scheduled to start until 8am, so I told Ryan that I was heading to the hospital with my purse only, and that I would keep him posted.  I nearly sent him to work, but luckily his cooler head prevailed and he said he would work from home until we knew more.  While I was sitting there ordering the car, I got hit by a "gas pain" and was doubled over the couch breathing through it.  Javi thought it was the most hilarious thing ever so he joined me, Lamaze breathing and all. It was such a sweet and silly moment that made the experience less precious than the first time around, but more moving since now everything happens as a family, whether you want it to or not! 

I got to the hospital around 7:45am and after being brought to my knees twice in pain (once on a couch in the lobby, the other in a packed hospital elevator), I made it up to Labor & Delivery. They got me hooked up to monitors and started tracking everything.  Luckily, everything was okay with baby girl.  They said they would take a urine sample because they thought maybe I had a bladder infection that was causing severe cramping.  Before doing so, they decided to check to see if I was dilated.  Sure enough, I was 4 centimeters dilated.  They looked at each other and then to me and said, "this baby is coming!" At this point, it was around 8:15am.  I called Ryan and told him to bring the hospital bag. 

Ryan arrived about 20 minutes later and just in time as they were moving me from the triage room to the pre-op room.  At this point, I had been in painful labor since 4:30am and the contractions were getting worse and closer together.  I asked them for an epidural, but they said since I was having a c-section, it would be better to wait for a spinal tap, which they scheduled for 9:30am, about 45 minutes away. They asked if I would be able to hold out until then and I said I would try my best.  My best was just keeping myself from howling like a deranged wild animal with each contraction.  Luckily, my doctor got there early and they took me in to get me prepped.  That spinal tap could not have come sooner. 

A quick detour before the final event.  The entire morning, I kept getting asked by everyone when I last ate and what I ate.  So, about 20 times, I had to tell people that I last ate at 9pm the night before and I had eaten a giant slice of cookie cake.  And yes, EVERYONE had some sort of reaction to that information, mostly laughter.  I then felt the need to justify my last meal by explaining it was a Mother's Day gift, which I'm sure did nothing to change people's minds.  Oh and don't worry, Ryan brought the rest of the cookie cake to the hospital the next day, so it did not go to waste! 

Back to the story.  The c-section was uneventful, especially since we knew the drill this time around.  The spinal tap worked a lot better than the epidural did the first time, so I felt less tugging.  The doctors asked if it was okay to play music, and now I'm wondering if they had a specific playlist because the songs were all girl songs.  Rihanna, Beyonce, Madonna and Olivia made her entrance at 9:59am to Katy Perry's "Eye of the Tiger".

I'm slightly embarrassed to say that the whole moment was super emotional and now I have an emotional tie to such a cheesy pop song.  I guess there are far worse songs that could have been playing.  I'm lucky the doctor wasn't a death metal fan.  

Liv was far enough down in the birth canal that she managed to get bruised on her little face.  The doctors were happy that she was 5 pounds 12 ounces. Babies under 5 pounds go immediately to the NICU.  At 36 weeks, she is considered a late preterm baby.  Full term babies are those that make it to 37 weeks.  Except for some glucose level issues in the first hours, she is otherwise healthy and did not need to spend any time in the NICU.  We would have gone home after 3 days, but she didn't pass the car seat test.  When you have a preterm baby, they test the baby by having her/him sit in a car seat for 90 minutes and track the oxygen levels.  If the levels dip and the baby can't get them back up on his/her own, the hospital does not feel comfortable sending the baby home.  Even if you live 5 minutes away!  So, we stayed an additional night and the next night she passed.  We got home on Friday and since Liv showed up early, we couldn't get additional help for the weekend.  So, we had our first weekend taking care of two babies under two on our own.  

It has been a week and four days since Liv's birth and I've been reflecting on how different this experience has been compared to Javi's birth.  Even though I still labored and was still exhausted after the c-section, this time around the lack of sleep hasn't affected me as much.  Her early arrival means she is pretty easy right now.  She eats and poops and is otherwise serenely asleep.  I know this will change, but for the moment, it is giving me the opportunity to really recuperate from the surgery.  The lack of opiods has also made the experience so much better.  Although I've felt the pain a bit more, it makes a huge difference not being totally out of it.  I've been pleasantly surprised by how much I can still do with Javi even though I'm not allowed to pick him up for 6 weeks. I'm also incredible grateful that Ryan is taking 6 weeks of paternity leave (3 at the front end, 3 at the end of the summer) and that I have a mom and a nanny that are so willing to help out.  This time around, I have zero delusion or desire to try to do it all on my own and have asked for all the help.  It really makes a difference!  

I hate to make this sound like everything is super easy because it isn't.  The highs and lows of postpartum are all still here, but it just feels less overwhelming than the first time.  Having less fear really makes everything much more manageable.  I'm also aware that things will probably become unmanageable at some point, but I feel confident that we will figure things out when we get there. I'm the most excited about having two little ones that I hope one day will be best friends.   

Hey, a lady can hope! 

36 Years - An Inventory

The Good
A partner that supports, encourages, gently challenges, listens, laughs, makes me laugh and loves
A son that smiles, laughs, dances, loves learning, expresses his feelings and keeps me in a state of intoxicated love and wonder.
A little dragon daughter that likes to party in my belly all night and despite her feistiness, has given me an easy pregnancy so far.
A sister that loves me fiercely, loves my son fiercely, wants to see me reach my full potential, makes me think critically daily and who truly knows me inside and out.
A brother that is an incredible example of living your dream and constantly hustling, that laughs at my jokes and is always supportive.
Incredibly supportive parents that remind me daily of all the dangers in the world, listen to my struggles and triumphs and that are there for me in a heart beat if I need them.
A village of girlfriends and female family members that provide companionship (even if only electronically), support, advice, and joy.

The Bad
My wacky post pregnancy/pregnancy hair that defies any attempt at taming
Less energy
Work life balance
Skin care routine that seems to get more complicated and take longer
No time to nap
Occasional insomnia
No more wild, adventure- filled, exotic trips for several years
Being tied to a toddler nap schedule on the weekends

The Unexpected
Watching Jeopardy and doing well as a couch contestant
Becoming a decent NYTimes crossword puzzler
Waking up to Ryan, on his own and by choice, playing Lady Gaga songs from a A Star is Born
Working for a school that is actually helping break the poverty cycle
Still finding time to play new Zelda games when they come out
Getting my entire family hooked to a dance video game
Needing less sleep
Loving having a full house
Missing coffee more than booze
Enjoying date nights at home
Still living in NYC

Birthdays are a great time for reflection, hence the inventory above. It is incredible to look back 5 or 10 years ago. I would have laughed at you back then if you told me this is what my life would look like at 36. God is endlessly more creative than I could ever be and I’m incredibly grateful that I haven’t mucked things up too badly with my own life plans. My path has certainly been interesting!

In my own mind, I’ve been 36 for the last 3 months. It always seems wrong to say I’m 35 when I’m way closer to the bigger number. Plus, I love getting older. I realize this is the opposite feeling most people have about birthdays. I keep waiting for that birthday when my perspective changes. First, people told me 30. Now, it’s 40. I will let you know if it happens, but I hope it never does.

Today, I feel excited about the future. That also seems insane, since I’m entering my third trimester, staring down the barrel of having two kids under 2 and looking at some big changes later in 2019. I should be terrified! Instead, I’m excited to take on the challenges (and it will be hell, someone send me a link to this when I’m about to lose my mind during those newborn months), but ultimately, I’m excited about working towards finding true fulfillment in all areas of my life. I’ve had so many conversations with family and friends recently about peaking in life, life regrets and feeling stuck and unmotivated. I know that sometimes it feels safer to stick with the known than to pursue dreams that may not become a reality, but I would really hate to wake up 40 years from now and regret playing it safe. I think sometimes people don’t make changes in their lives because they don’t have a specific dream/goal to pursue. This is the ultimate life purgatory, because it keeps you shackled to your mediocre circumstances. It’s neither heaven nor hell on earth. I would rather dump the purgatory, gamble with having hell for awhile, and ultimately pursue heaven. In a way, purgatory is the true hell, and the devil uses the threat of hell to keep us in purgatory.

So, with this new year around the sun, I shall seek excitement, fulfillment, challenge and adventure! And again, please remind me of this optimism in a few months. And I promise I will try not to punch you in the face from the delirium of sleep deprivation.

Ash Wednesday

I did a hard thing last week. This hard thing put me in the ring against stability, control and knowing the future.  Three things that I tend to worship in some fashion or other.  As we are entering the Lenten season, I've been thinking a lot about my comfort zone.  At this time, I am usually looking at my life and trying to find that thing I rely on the most for comfort.  It usually has to do with food since it is the tail end of winter and I'm usually getting through my seasonal depression by comfort eating.  This year, post-hard thing, I am forced to sit with a decision made, but no way to really act on it until later in the year.  If you know me, you know that this is hell for me.  I'm a doer, a woman of action.  If there is a problem, I dive head first into it and try to find the best solution immediately, while ignoring anything else going on around me.  It is compulsive.  Even though I can't act on anything yet, you best believe that I'm doing my damndest to try to solve as much as I can beforehand.  But is that even helpful to my ultimate goal?  Sure, there are things I can do that are necessary and would be very productive.  However, I think I need to spend some time thinking about what is actually productive and what is just running in circles to make myself feel better.

So, this Lent, while I will give up something related to my comfort eating, I'm going to try to be still and in the moment.  I'm going to try to cherish the little things going on in my life, like the fact that Javi is all of a sudden really attached to me and wants to spend our time each day sitting in my lap, playing with a toy or reading a book.  Perhaps he realizes that my lap is slowly growing smaller and that his life is going to change in a big way in three months.  I'm going to focus on making good decisions each day, and doing my very best at work.  I'm going to enjoy the quiet nights Ryan and I are having once Javi goes to sleep.  These nights were something I grieved for tremendously during those early months with Javi. I was shocked that I got them back once Javi started sleeping through the night.  I will be giving them up again in a few months, so I want to cherish them while I have them.  I'm going to try to relish in the mundane routine of every day life because once this baby girl arrives, it will be chaos all over again for awhile. I've made the hard choice, and now I can rest for awhile knowing it was the right decision.

Is the future uncertain?  Yes.  But, it always is.  No amount of effort will make the future knowable, and thus my controlling ways are mostly wasted energy.  Every plan that I've tried to bring to fruition has been disrupted and changed by God in the best way possible.  He has helped me despite myself, EVERY DAMN TIME.  So instead of trying to do His job, I am going to do what feels so counterproductive and lazy to me.  I'm going to sit and try to listen to what He has to say to me.  I'm going to be patient and enjoy the present, instead of running as hard as I can to catch up to the future.  AND, I'm going to try not to order in dessert every night of the week.   Goodbye Insomnia Cookies and 16 Handles delivery!