A Reflection in the Time of Coronavirus and the Great Reckoning

Well, hello strangers. I couldn’t let 2020 out the door without some sort of reflection. This year, and likely next, will take many years of reflection, antiracism work and therapy to get over. The antiracism work won’t stop, but hopefully the reflection and therapy will move on to other traumas. 

This was a survival year like no other. I can count on two hands the number of family/friends that don’t live in my apt that I have seen in person since March. This isolation has been so hard. If you are able to bubble with your family and friends, I hope you wake up every day incredibly grateful for them, even if you are sick of being around them. We are more isolated because of the kids, and the kids make being more isolated harder. It breaks me heart that barely anyone knows Liv and that people haven’t seen what a unique little person Javi is becoming. If I overshare on social, this is why. 

The hardest thing for me has been the lack of acknowledgment by so many people that we are in the middle of a deadly pandemic. There is barely any grief expressed on social media, and I feel so alone in the grief. I look at the numbers every day, I read the stories about overwhelmed emergency rooms and people now dying because of shortage of care and resources. They wouldn’t have died if hospitals weren’t overwhelmed. Then I see so many people with large bubbles and so many with no bubbles at all and it makes me full of rage. The science has been clear, masks work, social distancing works and we all have the power to fight this invisible war. But nearly everyone chooses their own selfish interests over the greater good. And that realization makes me even more depressed because caring for people over caring for individual interests is the only way we will defeat systemic racism. You can post and repost about Black Lives Matter all day every day, but if you don’t actually care about others lives, have decided that your comfort is more important than the droves of people dying (mostly Black and POC) then your activism is performative. At the very minimum, stop posting your blatant disregard for the rules on social media! Have the decency of at least being ashamed and consider that your posts may make someone else decide it’s okay to loosen up restrictions. 

Listen, I know it’s hard, and again, taking some risks for mental health reasons is important. I get it, I really do. I’ve done it and will do it myself. But can we at least try for a few months to isolate as much as possible? Can we all work together to get these numbers down? Please? If we do that and vaccinations ramp up, we might be out of this sooner. Please, I beg you.

 I try to think what my kids will ask me later on in life about this period. “Mom & Dad, what did you do?” I want to be able to tell them we followed the science and the rules to do our part in combatting the spread of the virus, even though it was a huge sacrifice and even though people thought we were crazy. 

(I know I've used this one before, but it just really captures my inner monologue). 

Wow, this post was meant to be a self reflection, but apparently I had some stuff to work through! I just can’t watch what is happening and not say anything about it. Feel free to unfriend, unfollow, mute, etc., etc. I get it. I’ve been the most Pisces of Pisces this year and I’m okay with being overly emotional and empathetic. Or, I’m starting to be okay with it. 

The other day, my sister and I decided to do an informal self-reflection of the year. My knee-jerk reaction is that it was shit. It was shit because it was really hard. But, if I list out everything that happened, the results weren't as terrible as it felt. We celebrated one full year of Liv. I made a career change in the middle of the pandemic and increased my earning power. Ryan made a career change without sacrificing his seniority level. The world finally recognized injustices that have festered in my soul since I was young and I get to talk about it, finally. We got both kids off the bottle. We eliminated our dependency on screens to do minor things for Javi, such as changing diapers, getting him out of the bath, etc (Liv never fell for such distraction and has made us do everything the hard way since the beginning). Javi transitioned to a toddler bed and Liv moved from her beloved travel crib to a regular crib. We did the work, finally, to find an empathetic parenting style that works for us and are working diligently to unlearn a lot in order to implement it. This has taken a lot of work and therapy and I’m glad I didn’t have as many distractions this year so I could really focus. Watching Ryan implement it has been a great joy of my life. The rise of video chat has brought us much closer to friends and family that live far away and I’m grateful to have that option even after the pandemic. We learned to cook more and order less. And I wrote more than I ever have in my life. 

Yes, Ryan was unemployed for 6 months. Yes, our savings were decimated. Yes, I haven’t seen my parents or abuelita in over a year. Yes, we had to ask family for a loan this month to get to Ryan’s first paycheck (something I’m incredibly grateful for and I am very aware that it is a privilege to have such backup resources, as much as it pained me to take the loan). But, in the end, we were okay and will likely be okay. We’ve had an abundance of physical health (if not mental health), our babies are thriving and we have the means to support them. 

As much as I would like to believe that tomorrow, 2021, will be different, I know it will be the same. But things might be a little different by March and a lot different by December. I’ve lived almost 38 years on this earth, a couple of years is nothing but a blip. So, I will try to enter 2021 with a little hope in my heart and a little more compassion for the rule breakers. 

(😜Sorry, I couldn't help myself.)

My resolution for 2021 is to do my best to be a good citizen, community member, family member and friend. See you on the other side! 

Changes in the Time of Coronavirus and the Great Reckoning

Hi Strangers! We've had a lot going on lately and I haven't had time to blog. It is amazing how quickly things can change when you've been waiting for it. Today is my last day at my current job. While Ryan was job searching, I was as well, but didn't feel ready to share it here. I start my new job on November 9th, heading back to a law firm, but as a Professional Development Manager, not an attorney (I'm crazy, but not that crazy). I'm leaving a place I love deeply and will stay connected to forever, but it is a hard transition and I'm feeling very emotional. 

Whether making a career transition in the middle of a pandemic is a good idea or not remains to be seen, but I'm immensely grateful for the opportunity. I'm very excited and the move will help us greatly with our precarious financial position. As you can imagine, I'm anxious about all sorts of things about the change, but I try to remember that I've survived all sorts of things (including 6 straight weeks without leaving my apartment). We also just survived 7 days without the kids' full-time caretaker, my biggest pandemic nightmare. As we always do, we rolled with the punches, got one of our Mother's Helpers to come help out a few days and it actually renewed my confidence in my parenting. That renewed confidence is something I'm very grateful for as my schedule and work commitments are about to shift drastically. Repeat after me, "We can do hard things." (Thanks, Glennon Doyle).

On top of all of the change, we are still reckoning with Black people dying at the hands of police, an intense election that may be contested and a rise in COVID across the nation and the world. Every day feels like an onslaught of pain and I've had to work hard to find some space for self-care. This is actually impossible, yet we continue to trudge on. I've found myself flirting with the idea of doing things that I know we really aren't supposed to do in relation to COVID. I've come close to agreeing to attend small gatherings indoors. I've fantasized about going to visit family for the holidays. Luckily, Ryan (surprisingly) is more steady with our commitment to follow the rules, so we will be alone and hopefully connecting with our loved ones online as much as possible. We are also doing as many social interactions as we can outside while the weather is still palatable. The winter is certainly looming and I am frantically trying to come up with a plan to entertain the kids inside for months on end. 

Halloween is tomorrow and we've milked the poor holiday for all it is worth this year. We've carved a pumpkin, put up decorations on our windows (that only we can see, ha!), eaten Halloween candy and treats for the last week, listened and danced to Halloween music, drawn Halloween pictures, visited Halloween decorations in our neighborhood and read so many Halloween books. Tomorrow we are carving another pumpkin in the morning and stopping by a neighborhood outdoor Halloween party in the afternoon. This year it feels like a last hurrah before whatever the election may bring, so I'm trying to stay cheerful through the weekend. 

So this is the last big breath before what I hope is not a storm next week. I'm grateful that the timing of my new job resulted in a week off before I start, so I will get to ride the craziness without job worries. I wish you all safety, mental healthy and lots of love during this festive weekend. Do your part to stop the spread and if you haven't done so already, get your booty to the polls to vote! 

Uncomfortably Numb in the Time of Coronavirus & the Great Reckoning

I don't have the capacity to talk about anything going on in our nation right now because I don't trust myself to have clear thoughts or ideas to share. I've reached some sort of new low in this pandemic depression where I vacillate between rage and numbness. I feel as though I am on this journey of emotional regression and I currently find myself somewhere between teen and early 20s angst. And on top of the angst toward God, the country, and several other organizations or individuals that definitely don't fully deserve it, the tiny adult in the corner of my brain spends an equal amount of time chastising the angsty teen. I'm terrified of what will happen when my emotional regression reaches the same level as Javi's emotional development. 

In true teen angst, I've found the perfect song to describe my inner turmoil. Check out Pink Floyd's "Great Gig in the Sky" and that is EXACTLY how my inner turmoil would sound if it were given speakers (wait until around the 1 minute mark for full effect). Okay, okay, in reality, it would most likely sound like a particularly gnarly version of a Claire Danes sob/cry, but we can all have our dreams. 

So, I was absent from the blog last week because we had a COVID scare. It started with a cold that Javi developed, that I picked up after a few days and it was very rough and ended up with Liv getting an actual fever. Liv and I got COVID tests and they thankfully came back negative. The worst part about this crappy virus we got is that I know exactly where we got it. I broke down after 6 months and took Javi to the playground the Sunday before. There were minimal kids in there, he now wears a mask and I've gotten to the point where I am so depressed that I'm having a hard time finding creative ways to entertain him. It was a magical morning, he played, ran, climbed, did basically everything on his own except the fireperson pole and it was so wonderful to see how much he has advanced in his physical abilities. He was ecstatic. But clearly, we didn't do a good enough job of hand sanitizing and washing up afterward because we picked something up. And let me tell you, IT WASN'T WORTH IT. It wasn't worth the COVID anxiety. It wasn't worth the guilt of having passed this on to our caretaker and my sister's household. It wasn't worth feeling horrible for 3 days and having to quarantine until the test results. It wasn't worth the kids still having lingering runny noses and Liv still feeling pretty crappy. Because we can't fly up the grandparents to help. Because we can't hire a babysitter on the weekend to give us a moment if we are feeling ill. It all fell on Ryan, who took it on graciously, but we are already frayed. So, no more playground. 

This trend, unfortunately, continued. One of my happy places lately has been re-watching the excellent trailer for the new Dune movie (which, coincidentally, includes a fantastic version of Pink Floyd's "Eclipse"). In my excitement, I decided to take a break from my anti-racist reading list and I reread the book. The day after finishing the book, it was announced that they are delaying the release date of the movie from December 2020 to October 2021. 

And lastly, two weeks ago, an agent from the New York State Department of Labor called Ryan to ask more about our financial situation since we haven't yet qualified for unemployment or any COVID relief. We got a letter today confirming that we will basically never qualify since Ryan quit his job in February. 

I've started really wondering what God is preparing us for during this drought and to entertain myself, I've started imagining that perhaps we will be selected as a colonization family to colonize Mars. We've been isolated for so long, we know how to take care of ourselves in a small apartment. With the face shields I purchased, we are basically ready for space helmets. I mean, we are a perfect match for a colonization family!!!! What's that you say? There is probably a rigorous psychiatrist test I would have to pass for that type of mission? And you're not sure I would pass?  

Because things are so heavy, I'm just going to list some bright spots I've been leaning on recently:

1. It is Halloween season. I love Halloween and I'm going to try to get the kids into the spirit all month. Javi has been making some excellent Halloween drawings.

2. I've re-engaged with "For the Girls" podcast and I highly recommend it. Such a fun deep dive into Divas that will have you giggling and inspired. I'm a big fan of their Murder She Wrote recaps and they recently covered Elaine Stritch and it was fabulous. 

3.  At night, I've been trying to blunt my overactive and overanxious mind with distractions, and last night I found the ideal combo of listening to a "For the Girls" podcast while playing Mario Odyssey on the Switch. 

4. I would claim that the resurgence of playing lots of Nintendo is part of the emotional regression to angsty teen....but that would be a lie. I've always played a lot of Nintendo. So maybe this means I'm actually just an angsty teen? Forever and ever? How typical Pisces of me. 

5. Ben & Jerry's Pint Slices. 

6. Liv is overcoming her delayed speech a bit and is starting to say some clear words. Her most recent word is "Minnie" because she has a hand-me-down Minnie doll from her cousin Teddy and the way she says Minnie MELTS MY HEART. It sounds like "Meh-nay." I can't wait to hear what her voice ends up sounding like. Maybe I will start hearing "mama" soon. 

Okay, that is all I have. Somehow this entry ended up having a Pink Floyd theme, and I'm just going to go with it. I hope we all survive the debate tonight. 

A Bullet with Butterfly Wings in the Time of Coronavirus and the Great Reckoning

I want to open with my utter horror at the Grand Jury decision in the Breonna Taylor case. All I will say is that a legal framework that honors the loss or damage of property over the death of a HUMAN needs to be changed. Don't come at me with legality arguments. I was an attorney, I understand them. Laws can be flawed and we are clearly seeing how many of them are disproportionately impacting Black people. Humanity trumps legality, in my book. As I always do, I think about what Jesus would say, do or think. I think He would be angry and I think He would have some choice words for us.   

Someone posted this Maya Angelou quote this week "If you must look back, do so forgivingly. If you must look forward, do so prayerfully. However, the wisest thing you can do is be present in the present... gratefully." 

We are in struggle city with being in the present. The weekends are the easiest because young children don't allow you to be anything other than in the present. It just feels like it has been so long without any financial certainty as we watch our savings quickly deplete. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the savings. And for our food and shelter and health. But, I just feel like something has to give soon or we are going to lose our minds. I know I need to stop looking forward because right now, I can't do so prayerfully. I try, but my prayers feel hollow because in reality I'm angry and bitter with God. Why are You doing this to us? I feel He is pushing us somewhere and some days I feel like I know where and other days I feel like I've totally lost the thread. I want Him to make it easy and to hand it to me on a silver platter (scratch that, on a platter of fancy, expensive, delicious sushi which I miss dearly), especially after the hard months he has given us. But, deep down, I know that isn't how it works. 

He keeps showing me that my sane and happy place is in writing. And going two weeks without blogging made me very miserable. But, it doesn't solve any of our problems. It doesn't provide for us financially. It doesn't employ Ryan. It doesn't allow us to see our family during a pandemic. It doesn't keep our family in Florida safe from hurricanes or our family in California safe from fires. It doesn't educate, entertain or provide social interactions for the kids. It CERTAINLY doesn't keep us or any of our loved ones safe from COVID. 

Tiny Side Note: I just imagined a story where I am the savior of the pandemic because my writing somehow cures COVID, but I have to stay behind a computer 24 hours a day and type non-stop because if I don't, people will die. Not sure you can get more egotistical or ridiculous than that and somehow I have the audacity to believe that I've learned my lesson and please God, GET ME OUTTA HERE. 

Even as I was writing the above paragraph, a small voice inside started providing counterarguments to all of those logical and sane observations. But it is fun! It allows you to be exactly you without any pretense, code-switching, people-pleasing, reservations, apologies or interruptions. It has connected you with people near and far in deeper ways. So many of you have shared your own vulnerabilities, situations, fears and stories. I cherish those so greatly because sharing your truth is one of the biggest gifts a human can give another human. And so many people take other's stories for granted. For those of you that have shared, thank you for those gifts.

So I guess God is telling me to continue the one activity that does nothing but provide joy. WOW. Sheesh. Okay God, you are being very anti-capitalist and I'm not sure what to do about that. Maybe it is tied to the current apocalypse?  Something about joy being more important than money? Nah, couldn't be. 

1. It has been about a month now that we've had a toddler bed available to Javi. He likes to play and read in it, but any time we suggest actually sleeping in it, he refuses. In the last couple of weeks, his verbal ability has really advanced and he is speaking in such clear and thoughtful sentences. He loves repeating things we say (Ryan really has to watch those f bombs) and "reading" books out loud. Toddlerhood is so funny because the child is clearly still a baby in many ways, but also a tiny adult. This week, as I was putting dishes away in the morning before going in to get the kids, I heard Javi stand up in his crib and say, "Mama, can you get me out of here, please?" A lovely, full, polite sentence coming from my little man child, still in a diaper and still in his beloved crib. 

2. We are still watching Lord of the Rings and are currently in the middle of Return of the King. We have the extended versions of all 3 movies which are each 4 hours long, so we are treating them like a miniseries. I've had a couple of thoughts come up during this umpteenth viewing. Peter Jackson had no creativity when he designed the looks of the Orcs. Take a good look at the two orcs below and tell me you don't see Sloth from Goonies and Cindy Lou Who from the Grinch.

Secondly, can we bring back usage of the phrase "What say you?" In my Diversity & Inclusion Certificate Program, I'm learning all of these ways to foster inclusion in the workplace and one of them is to make it a priority to ask everyone on a team their opinion on a matter. Wouldn't it be thrilling to be asked, "What say you?" in a meeting? I feel like it has the right level of challenge/positive motivation while asking you to provide your thoughts! No? 

3. Last night I was relaying some stress to Ryan (the 400th of the week, or actually probably day, poor guy) and he told me that he had my pandemic anthem. He pulled out his phone and played "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" by the Smashing Pumpkins. Isn't it just perfect? I mean, the opening lyric is "the world is a vampire, sent to drain" and the chorus is "despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage."  I laughed for a full 5 minutes about the absurd perfection and we ended up having a delightful grunge listening party. It made me really wonder why the 90s produced such dark music while we are over here in a pandemic, with our earth on fire and democracy in shambles dancing to WAP.

2020

Us

Nevertheless, We Persist in the Time of Coronavirus and the Great Reckoning

It has been a bit since I've been able to post. Life became a perfect storm of craziness for a few weeks with work, personal stuff, my certificate program, etc., etc. We've had several intense ups and downs in the last few weeks and I felt a bit emotionally paralyzed by it all. As my therapist says, the cumulative effect of being quarantined for 6 months (6 MONTHS!) is getting to everyone. It is wild that I actually have to take the time to remind myself of everything that is going on in the world and in our personal lives in order to have proper prospective. 

So, we are still in the same place we were at my last post, but I think we've had a lot of spiritual and personal growth during that time. The lessons we were starting to learn have really started to sink in and are become normal thinking. I've been sounding like a broken record lately because I feel like I have to keep telling myself and Ryan that all this hard time is a worthy endeavor. Addressing systemic and personal racism, even if it can be excruciatingly painful and uncomfortable is a worthy endeavor. Seeking more fulfillment in Ryan's career, no matter how long it takes, is a worthy endeavor. Along with their caretaker, being everything for the kids right now since they can't do classes or school or easily play with friends is a worthy endeavor. Sticking with science and following COVID rules as closely as possible, while seeing SO MANY people going about their lives like normal, not wearing masks, etc. is a worthy endeavor. 

We are alive, healthy, we have the means to weather this storm for a bit longer and we have our beautiful and wild children. So for now, we are trying very hard to be content in our current reality. Emphasis on "trying." I hope all of you have managed to find some peace in this storm. If so, please share!!

I had a few more lighthearted stories to share, but unfortunately, the below 2 were the only ones that were written before I found out about Ruth Bader Ginsberg's death. And now, the lightheartedness has escaped me. While I'm devastated for what this means for our Supreme Court, I cannot help but feel that the poor woman was working so hard to stay alive for all of us and I wish her so much rest in peace and power. Thank you for your service.  

1. We are trying to raise the kids bilingual, which means I have to speak Spanish all the time to them, and while I'm fluent-ish, I'm still more comfortable in English. This has worked out okay until now, when communication has gotten more complicated with Javi. Let's just say Alexa is working overtime providing translations for more complicated vocabulary. I don't know if it is my exhaustion with speaking Spanish all the time or my work to dismantle dumb gender norms, but I've become incredibly frustrated by having to teach Javi "proper" pronouns. Right now he calls everyone "hombre" and refers to everyone as "he/him." It feels so dumb that I have to explain to him the differences. Can't we just use "they/them" and refer to everyone as "that person?" Like, what do the pronouns actually do other than reinforce gender norms? Who cares if someone is a boy or a girl? You know?  Anyway, our curious Javi is currently asking "what is happening" about EVERYTHING so we will be on the street and he will point to someone and ask loudly, "WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT HOMBRE???"

2. I was really struggling to get out of a funk today, so I took a break from work to learn the WAP TikTok dance. Yes, you heard me right. It has been so long since I've learned a dance, so I looked up a tutorial on Youtube basically made for grandmas. I proudly learned the dance within the 15 minute tutorial and managed to only do 4 takes before I had a decent version. I sent it through Instagram using the "view only once" option to a small number of unlucky friends that had to watch a 37 year old mother of two attempt some dangerous dance moves for 15 seconds. I am proud I didn't pull any muscles, but I expect tomorrow I may be in pain. Best 30 minute work break I've ever taken. 

Friends, until the next time I can eke out some time and energy, I wish you well! 

Drastic Changes in the Time of Coronavirus and the Great Reckoning

 As expected, but for additional unforeseen reasons, it was an emotional week. I'm always emotional at the end of August because it signals the start of school, an end to summer (which in NYC means people returning to the city from vacation homes), a fun Labor Day weekend getaway (not happening this year) and the approach of fall (my favorite season). This year, it also signals our last week working at my sister's place. But the hardest thing this week was another senseless Black shooting at the hands of police. The Jacob Blake story broke my heart, then seeing so many people justifying his shooting and justifying the 17 year old killing people has me close to depression. The party conventions have also ignited so much hate and divisiveness on social media, that I am considering taking a break or greatly limiting my consumption until after the election. It's too much and too ugly. I pray that God help heal us as a nation and help us view each other as individuals, all of whom are worthy as children of God. 

The end of August was also our informal deadline for when Ryan would probably be employed again. As that has yet to happen, we entered a bit of a panic this week. Given the pandemic, it clearly wasn't the correct assumption. Although, I don't think there is a correct assumption for re-employment given these (oh dear, I'm sorry to use this) UNPRECEDENTED TIMES. Can we come up with a new phrase for this? Unbearable times? Chaotic times? The worst year of our lives?

Dear So & So,

I hope this email finds you sane during this, the worst year of our lives. As we all come to grips with the shit show that is our political system, and how racist we have all been this whole time, could I interest you in some diet tea? I've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks and no, it isn't from the COVID I picked up at the non socially distanced party I stupidly decided to attend the other day. I promise. Back to the tea, we all know Zoom adds 10 pounds, so join me in losing the COVID 30!

Grateful you are alive and have gained some quarantine weight so you might be an easy target, 

So & So 

We've been forced to really assess what is important to us. And what we've found is that it has drastically changed. It seems wild to me that at this time last year, I was gearing up to enter the fray of Manhattan private preschool applications. If we stay here, Javi may still end up attending the school we deferred since preschool is not available at our local public school.  However, when I was initially applying, I was giving so much thought to how this preschool would affect his chances of getting into other private schools for elementary school and beyond. We have really changed our views and will likely send our kids to public school, the least racist choice. I say "likely" because we don't yet know if they have any special needs that the public school system can't handle. It is amazing how you can have certain moral values and then get caught up in the rat race, especially in NYC. The way we've decoupled certain actions from their actual intentions (like White parents taking their students out of the public school system for racist reasons) and wrap it up in a bow (we just want the best for our kids) is insane. And I am the first to admit that I was on that trajectory. 

Besides the school decision, we've decided that we would rather live within our means than try to uphold a specific lifestyle. We've decided that work shouldn't provide us our whole identities and thus shouldn't take up all of our emotional space. We've decided that we would rather make less money and be less stressed than be in the rat race. We've decided that we would like our kids to grow into themselves at their own pace, with love and acceptance. We've decided to care more about our kids being kind and caring than about their accomplishments. We've decided not to push them into the rat race starting in preschool. 

So, it was a big week. It is scary to write the things above because I think those decisions are a bit radical. But I want to always remember and hold myself accountable to them, because for me, it feels true and right. I want to live in the way that feels true and right, even if it seems radical. It feels more aligned with Jesus' teachings. 

A few parting random thoughts...

1. If you need some news that isn't rage inducing, I highly recommend following the birth of the new panda at the Smithsonian Zoo. And if you do, please tell me what heavenly lottery did pandas win to be able to give birth to such TEENY babies??? A petite mother that underwent 2 c-sections would like to know. 

2. Anyone else notice they've started following a lot more Instagram therapy accounts? No? Just me? I mean, it's free therapy and not angry politics. Just saying. 

3. One really disappointing thing I've discovered about having to wear masks is that they do not filter bad smells. This has been especially apparent during the usual NYC in August where the entire city smells like a rat that just recently died on a trash pile after urinating all over it. 

4. Speaking of recent deaths, my sister's building instituted required temperature checks for visitors a few weeks ago. I am here to tell you first hand that while this measure seems like it should be a good way to protect against COVID, it all comes down to implementation and accuracy of equipment. Let's just say that on most days, my temperature is around 85 degrees and one day it was 75 degrees. I'm pretty sure that means I'm either dead or a vampire. Ryan and I like to joke about how many hours dead we are each day after receiving our temperature readings. I'm also really glad these are going into a handwritten log that someone can review one day and wonder if a symptom of COVID was actually stupidity or if the building was full of vampires.