Drastic Changes in the Time of Coronavirus and the Great Reckoning

 As expected, but for additional unforeseen reasons, it was an emotional week. I'm always emotional at the end of August because it signals the start of school, an end to summer (which in NYC means people returning to the city from vacation homes), a fun Labor Day weekend getaway (not happening this year) and the approach of fall (my favorite season). This year, it also signals our last week working at my sister's place. But the hardest thing this week was another senseless Black shooting at the hands of police. The Jacob Blake story broke my heart, then seeing so many people justifying his shooting and justifying the 17 year old killing people has me close to depression. The party conventions have also ignited so much hate and divisiveness on social media, that I am considering taking a break or greatly limiting my consumption until after the election. It's too much and too ugly. I pray that God help heal us as a nation and help us view each other as individuals, all of whom are worthy as children of God. 

The end of August was also our informal deadline for when Ryan would probably be employed again. As that has yet to happen, we entered a bit of a panic this week. Given the pandemic, it clearly wasn't the correct assumption. Although, I don't think there is a correct assumption for re-employment given these (oh dear, I'm sorry to use this) UNPRECEDENTED TIMES. Can we come up with a new phrase for this? Unbearable times? Chaotic times? The worst year of our lives?

Dear So & So,

I hope this email finds you sane during this, the worst year of our lives. As we all come to grips with the shit show that is our political system, and how racist we have all been this whole time, could I interest you in some diet tea? I've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks and no, it isn't from the COVID I picked up at the non socially distanced party I stupidly decided to attend the other day. I promise. Back to the tea, we all know Zoom adds 10 pounds, so join me in losing the COVID 30!

Grateful you are alive and have gained some quarantine weight so you might be an easy target, 

So & So 

We've been forced to really assess what is important to us. And what we've found is that it has drastically changed. It seems wild to me that at this time last year, I was gearing up to enter the fray of Manhattan private preschool applications. If we stay here, Javi may still end up attending the school we deferred since preschool is not available at our local public school.  However, when I was initially applying, I was giving so much thought to how this preschool would affect his chances of getting into other private schools for elementary school and beyond. We have really changed our views and will likely send our kids to public school, the least racist choice. I say "likely" because we don't yet know if they have any special needs that the public school system can't handle. It is amazing how you can have certain moral values and then get caught up in the rat race, especially in NYC. The way we've decoupled certain actions from their actual intentions (like White parents taking their students out of the public school system for racist reasons) and wrap it up in a bow (we just want the best for our kids) is insane. And I am the first to admit that I was on that trajectory. 

Besides the school decision, we've decided that we would rather live within our means than try to uphold a specific lifestyle. We've decided that work shouldn't provide us our whole identities and thus shouldn't take up all of our emotional space. We've decided that we would rather make less money and be less stressed than be in the rat race. We've decided that we would like our kids to grow into themselves at their own pace, with love and acceptance. We've decided to care more about our kids being kind and caring than about their accomplishments. We've decided not to push them into the rat race starting in preschool. 

So, it was a big week. It is scary to write the things above because I think those decisions are a bit radical. But I want to always remember and hold myself accountable to them, because for me, it feels true and right. I want to live in the way that feels true and right, even if it seems radical. It feels more aligned with Jesus' teachings. 

A few parting random thoughts...

1. If you need some news that isn't rage inducing, I highly recommend following the birth of the new panda at the Smithsonian Zoo. And if you do, please tell me what heavenly lottery did pandas win to be able to give birth to such TEENY babies??? A petite mother that underwent 2 c-sections would like to know. 

2. Anyone else notice they've started following a lot more Instagram therapy accounts? No? Just me? I mean, it's free therapy and not angry politics. Just saying. 

3. One really disappointing thing I've discovered about having to wear masks is that they do not filter bad smells. This has been especially apparent during the usual NYC in August where the entire city smells like a rat that just recently died on a trash pile after urinating all over it. 

4. Speaking of recent deaths, my sister's building instituted required temperature checks for visitors a few weeks ago. I am here to tell you first hand that while this measure seems like it should be a good way to protect against COVID, it all comes down to implementation and accuracy of equipment. Let's just say that on most days, my temperature is around 85 degrees and one day it was 75 degrees. I'm pretty sure that means I'm either dead or a vampire. Ryan and I like to joke about how many hours dead we are each day after receiving our temperature readings. I'm also really glad these are going into a handwritten log that someone can review one day and wonder if a symptom of COVID was actually stupidity or if the building was full of vampires.

Tonya Harding and LOTR in the Time of Coronavirus and the Great Reckoning

Wow, we've hit a week where I am not in some existential crisis about some deep topic that requires journaling. Don't get me wrong, I'm always in various states of over analyzing something or other, but I genuinely don't have anything that is caged in my soul and fighting to get out. Yay, for you? 

I did start reading Ibram X. Kendi's "How to be an Anti-Racist" last week for a family book club and I highly recommend it to everyone. I was fortunate to get to hear him speak as part of the Anti-Racism Teach-In last week and I think this book is a great starting point for anyone that has wanted to learn more. 

Peanut Butter Random Time!

1. I think I've finally reached the eating-your-feelings stage of quarantine. Or perhaps I'm just starting to feel some normalcy so my regular eating habits are coming back. I am the opposite of most people and tend to eat less and lose weight during stressful times. If you see me at my thinnest, it usually means I'm not doing well.  A slightly round version of me seems to be the happiest version of me, so I'm going to take this as a sign of improvement. Ryan and I are happily eating either a big bowl of ice cream every night or indulging in a Drumstick. 

2. I have an occasional recurring nightmare where I am possessed by the devil. I started having it as a kid (most likely after my first viewing of the Exorcist) and it comes up at various points of my life. I always wake up super terrified and unsure whether I'm still possessed, requiring me to pray for an hour to convince myself that if I were actually possessed, the devil wouldn't tolerate me praying. (Because that's how it works, right?) Anyway, last night I had the most deranged version of this nightmare where I was actually possessed by TONYA HARDING. 

Yes, that Tonya Harding. And no, I haven't heard or read anything about her recently and I haven't even seen the most recent Margot Robbie movie about her. In the dream, I remember being confused about the whole thing because I'm pretty sure she is still alive (she def is, I just looked it up and had no idea she was on DWTS). I told my therapist about it today and shared that perhaps I have a secret desire to take out someone's kneecap, but she said that perhaps I'm feeling victimized. WHOA! BACK-OFF, lady!

3. When I lived abroad in Lyon, France for a semester in college, my host family lived outside the city in the countryside. Since it was a long commute, it was hard for me to be social with friends during the weeknights. Most nights, I would eat dinner with my host mother and then hang in my room the rest of the night. This was pretty lonely, so I would end up watching the 3 DVDs that I had with me over and over again: Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and Pirates of the Caribbean. I haven't watched any of these movies in a bit, but the other night, Ryan decided to put on a movie. I had my glasses off already, so I asked him what it was and he told me to guess. Two seconds into the opening, with no music and no glasses on, I knew it was Lord of the Rings. Those movies are so ingrained in my memory that I can listen to them with my eyes closed and still know EXACTLY what is happening on the screen. Upon this millionth viewing, I would like to share that Ryan has lost all tolerance for Pippin and it has been incredibly amusing to watch his exasperation.

Next week is the last week of August, so I'm sure I will be having all types of moody feelings about the end of summer. I hope you enjoyed your light week. 

An Open Wound in the Time of Coronavirus and the Great Reckoning

 Hello from the other side of a very intense week. I have a lot to process and am going to do so to the best of my ability, but bear with me if it is clumsy. To get it out of the way, we deferred Javi's school until next year. Glad to have that hard thing over with! 

The Anti-Racism Teach-in was incredibly powerful, while at the same time very emotionally taxing. The speakers were amazing and I learned so much to help me continue to dismantle my own racism. I left with great tools to continue the tough dialogues I'm having in my own circles. However, I left a bit overwhelmed with the idea of how to actually implement anti-racist structures and policies within a school. Where I am at right now is that I think it requires so much personal work by each individual, especially leaders, and I'm lacking in hope that the people who really need to do the personal work may not be willing. I am trying to be positive that so many people attended the conference and were clearly at the very beginning of the anti-racism journey. Everyone has to start somewhere and I need to dig very deep to be patient and to find ways to encourage people to start the journey. I believe it is vital for our collective healing. 

 

I've also been working through some hard personal stuff regarding the rise in crime and homelessness in our neighborhood. My initial reaction was thinking of leaving the city, or having second thoughts about police action. These are racist reactions. Instead, I'm trying to think about why the crime is happening. People do not have work and thus don't have a way to feed their families. There are no jobs (hello, we know first hand) and what would I do if I were unable to feed my family and did not have anyone else to lean on? What would Jesus say about this situation? We should have compassion. We should care for our fellow human beings. Instead of wanting more police action, I want there to be more community services. More shelters and food banks and resources for people who are hungry and desperate.  I don't want to have a discussion about whether people are "deserving" or police how someone spends their government aid money. Jesus told us not to judge. He didn't say, only help someone after you have determined they aren't lazy or taking advantage. I've come across a story several times on the internet about someone's reaction to being told they were scammed after they helped a young mother at the grocery store pay for groceries. Their response was something like, "if it was a scam, that reflects more on the person purportedly scamming than it does on me for helping." I love this, I want to live this and I want to teach my children this. To help when we see someone who needs it. And I can tell you that I haven't lived that way. I've walked by homeless people, turned my nose up at the smell and complained about the city not dealing with them properly. How horrible is that?! It also made me realize that it is even harder to have compassion if you don't actually see the people that are hurting on a day to day basis. After some conversations, Ryan and I have committed to specific ways to help our immediate community and we reaffirmed our intent to stay in the city unless job opportunities or finances force us out. 

All of the intense conversation surrounding Kamala Harris's nomination has been draining. People should be allowed to be disappointed, especially Black people and other people of color who feel she treated their communities badly at points in her career. While I agree that we need to rally behind the ticket, I don't think people should have to support blindly and without reservations. One of my biggest disappointments these past 4 years is seeing friends who very openly voted for Trump remain utterly silent when he has done blatantly horrific things. I refuse to go into cheerleading mode for any politician ever again. I am fine acknowledging publicly that I am voting for Biden/Harris, but I am doing so with the commitment to hold them accountable. When we go to a movie theater, we have to select a movie to watch. Nobody ever has any problem selecting a movie hoping it will be good, and then bashing it to hell if it was lousy, or praising it if it was the best thing they ever saw. We are voting for people that have campaigns that align the most with our worldview and we should be just as willing to critique them as we are with any other choices in our lives. If you don't make your vote a total extension of your identity (which it shouldn't be) then you will have an easier time staying in your truth instead of twisting reality to fit a narrative that justifies your choice. And I think we should practice praising the other side when they do something that we agree with, because ultimately, all of these people are supposed to be working for US. 

Lastly, as a brown girl, FOR ME, and only me because that is the only person I can truly represent, it is satisfying to see someone that looks more like me on a presidential ticket. I do believe representation matters. 

WHEW. Are you still with me? Thanks for going down that road with me. 

Now for some randomness.

1. My weekly Freshdirect order that takes me too long to do every week got cancelled TODAY. The day it was supposed to arrive. I had to scramble to do an Amazon Fresh order and since the earliest time slot is tomorrow morning, we stopped by Whole Foods on our way home to pick up dinner and milk for the kids. I haven't been to a grocery store in like 5 months. There was no line to get in and since we had a limited time to shop because we had to be home to take over with the kids, I totally panicked. For some reason, I decided we had to only get stuff from the areas within the immediate vicinity of the exit and checkout section. I picked stuff at random, trying my best to move really quickly. We got into what seemed like a long line and where people were definitely not properly social distancing. Then we realized we didn't get the milk and after asking an employee, discovered it was upstairs. UPSTAIRS. I told Ryan to run and while he was gone, the under 10 lane opened. I took way too long deciding if I should just get in it even though Ryan was upstairs and finally, after 5 minutes and nobody else getting in the line, I decided to do it. The cashier was so nice and said it was no problem, but of course the minute I got in the line, others did as well, which made me feel like a jerk. I was panicking that Ryan wasn't back and kept rummaging through my backpack looking for my wallet, and even after I found it I kept rummaging through it searching for who knows what. Then Ryan showed up and I went to pay and the lady asked me a question, but I was so frazzled I didn't hear it, and Ryan firmly answered "yes" to her and gave me a concerned look and then she asked me for my phone number, but I didn't know what they were talking about, so I entered it in the pin, but it didn't work. I then realized she had asked if we were Amazon Prime members and I said could she take my email and she looked at me strangely and said no, so finally I just paid and we got the hell out of there.  Moral of the story: I am not emotionally ready to handle grocery stores yet (or maybe ever again). I'm considering getting a shopping playset to teach Javi and Liv about stores and to help me practice. 

2. This week I have had my tongue scratched, my boob clawed, by back crawled up, my mosquito bites pinched, a scab ripped off, my hair pulled, my nose picked and I've had an object slammed into my face at least 3 times. Just in case anyone without kids was wondering what it is like. 

3. We had our first online, double-date, Mario Kart extravaganza and I think it might actually be the cure for COVID blues. I highly recommend this to everyone. Games have been a lifesaver for me during this pandemic and I was so emotionally defeated and physically exhausted the other night that I couldn't even muster the energy to play Ticket to Ride or do a crossword puzzle on my phone. But, my mind wouldn't turn off, so I asked Ryan if he would read me trivia questions out loud, totally realizing it was a ridiculous request.  Let me tell you, find yourself a partner who, without hesitation, looks up trivia questions and spends 20 minutes quizzing you to help you fall asleep.THAT is love, folks. 

School, Self-Care and Esteem in the Time of Coronavirus & the Great Reckoning

Well, my life has gotten a bit busier as of late. I'm officially back to five days a week, every other week, at work and I've started an online certificate program for Diversity & Inclusion through Cornell. What's that you say? You already seem very stressed? Very good point. Ryan, who is currently taking care of the kids by himself for an entire day, was so generous and let me invest some of our precious savings into this certificate program. This was the first week of class and I can't tell you how fun it is to be a student again and how this might feel like the first time in my LONG education career that I'm truly captivated by the subject matter. I will not spend precious energy on lamenting time and money spent poorly in previous education endeavors, but I will say that I hope to better counsel my children when they are choosing their educational/career path. All that to say, taking this class is a self-care exercise. I know that might seem weird to some, but I'm a school nerd, so this is my form of self-care and a more productive use of my anxiety riddled brain. Next week I will continue to distract my brain by attending The National Anti-Racist Teach-In. Our school was given the opportunity to attend the teach-in for free and I'm incredibly grateful to have a chance to learn from so many impressive speakers! If I'm not entirely brain dead, I hope to share some things I learned next week on the blog. 

In other news, we are a week out from having to make a decision on whether to send Javi to school in September. Some of you may know, but the preschool application process is HELL in Manhattan and I worked my butt off last fall to get him into a decent school. New York is also weird in that he is forced to start Pre-K 3 as a 2 year old because the birthday cut-off is December 31st instead of the start of school. Right now, the school is opening with no remote option. It is a small class (no more than 9) and a small school (only 3 classrooms). They seem to have good plans in place to keep everyone safe, but it is still a big risk. These are the things we are weighing:

1. Giving Javi social interactions within a context where there are explicit safety measures and requirements in place. As much as we love friends and family, those interactions aren't as regulated and the risk of great exposure is higher. 

2. Teachers at the school are allowed to take the subway, although it sounds like the school may consider paying for their ubers, so there is a big risk there. 

3. If we commit to school this year, then it doesn't allow us flexibility to take breaks outside of the city at our leisure. We are tied to the school calendar. 

4. In any other state, Javi would start school next year. So, is it worth spending big money (which isn't in line with our current state of income) for something that isn't entirely necessary?

5. Our pediatrician told us that the benefit of a child attending preschool only lasts for a few years after preschool. After that, there is no greater advantage for kids that attended preschool. 

6. It is very likely that there will be another increase in infections in NYC. We expect it to happen when schools open and people head back into offices. If we commit, then we have to deal with the anxiety of getting infected, plus the anxiety of a shutdown and how Javi would react to not going to school (again). 

7. The outbreaks at schools that have already opened give us pause (although we know that in most of them, masks were not required and there were no real safety measures in place). 

It feels like we are being forced to choose between Javi's emotional well-being and our family's physical safety, which just feels unfair. Frankly, I was hoping Cuomo would announce that schools can only be remote this fall, but he did not. Thanks for nothing, Cuomo! The good news is that our lovely school is allowing us to defer, which makes the decision a little easier. But we are very torn on what to do. 

And now, some random musings.

1. My emotional state is a bit more regulated lately, but I still have moments of anxiety-induced insomnia and some moments of deep sadness. This week, during a low, I told Ryan that I felt very unmoored. I meant it more in an emotional way, but Ryan quickly responded that I've never been more moored in my entire life. I only have 3 physical locations that I visit (home, my sister's for work and the park on the weekend), when I'm with the kids, one is always physically on top of me in some format (sitting in my lap or trying to climb me as a jungle gym) and at night, our cat sleeps on top of me. When I thought through all of that I could not stop laughing and it eased my sadness a bit. My mind may be out to sea, but my body is sure as hell tied to the dock! 

2. My hair salon was open for business this past weekend and both Ryan and Javi got cuts. While I was cutting Javi's hair, he kept fidgeting and I told him that if he kept moving, it would make it harder and make the process last longer.  And then I realized that this is probably EXACTLY what God thinks about me EVERY DAMN DAY. 

3. We managed to take away two screen-time crutches we had been using for awhile. At the time Liv was born, Javi was going through a tough time and he was giving us lots of trouble getting his diaper changed, getting out of the bath and getting dressed at night and in the morning. We started letting him watch a short 5-10 minute video during these times to make it easier on us. We did it for over a year, but recently, he was starting to ask for videos at other times of the day, or having a huge meltdown when we turned it off. After a particularly big one last Sunday afternoon, we decided to pull the plug. No more videos for getting out of bath and getting dressed morning and night. We were scared, but he surprisingly adjusted quickly and we've done it now for 5 days. I share this because it gave me a moment of esteem and a reminder that we can do hard things, EVEN in the middle of worldwide misery. We have nothing against screen time, he will continue to watch shows daily and with us on the weekends, but we just realized for those specific times, we no longer needed it and he is doing much better without them! 

Until next time...