School, Self-Care and Esteem in the Time of Coronavirus & the Great Reckoning

Well, my life has gotten a bit busier as of late. I'm officially back to five days a week, every other week, at work and I've started an online certificate program for Diversity & Inclusion through Cornell. What's that you say? You already seem very stressed? Very good point. Ryan, who is currently taking care of the kids by himself for an entire day, was so generous and let me invest some of our precious savings into this certificate program. This was the first week of class and I can't tell you how fun it is to be a student again and how this might feel like the first time in my LONG education career that I'm truly captivated by the subject matter. I will not spend precious energy on lamenting time and money spent poorly in previous education endeavors, but I will say that I hope to better counsel my children when they are choosing their educational/career path. All that to say, taking this class is a self-care exercise. I know that might seem weird to some, but I'm a school nerd, so this is my form of self-care and a more productive use of my anxiety riddled brain. Next week I will continue to distract my brain by attending The National Anti-Racist Teach-In. Our school was given the opportunity to attend the teach-in for free and I'm incredibly grateful to have a chance to learn from so many impressive speakers! If I'm not entirely brain dead, I hope to share some things I learned next week on the blog. 

In other news, we are a week out from having to make a decision on whether to send Javi to school in September. Some of you may know, but the preschool application process is HELL in Manhattan and I worked my butt off last fall to get him into a decent school. New York is also weird in that he is forced to start Pre-K 3 as a 2 year old because the birthday cut-off is December 31st instead of the start of school. Right now, the school is opening with no remote option. It is a small class (no more than 9) and a small school (only 3 classrooms). They seem to have good plans in place to keep everyone safe, but it is still a big risk. These are the things we are weighing:

1. Giving Javi social interactions within a context where there are explicit safety measures and requirements in place. As much as we love friends and family, those interactions aren't as regulated and the risk of great exposure is higher. 

2. Teachers at the school are allowed to take the subway, although it sounds like the school may consider paying for their ubers, so there is a big risk there. 

3. If we commit to school this year, then it doesn't allow us flexibility to take breaks outside of the city at our leisure. We are tied to the school calendar. 

4. In any other state, Javi would start school next year. So, is it worth spending big money (which isn't in line with our current state of income) for something that isn't entirely necessary?

5. Our pediatrician told us that the benefit of a child attending preschool only lasts for a few years after preschool. After that, there is no greater advantage for kids that attended preschool. 

6. It is very likely that there will be another increase in infections in NYC. We expect it to happen when schools open and people head back into offices. If we commit, then we have to deal with the anxiety of getting infected, plus the anxiety of a shutdown and how Javi would react to not going to school (again). 

7. The outbreaks at schools that have already opened give us pause (although we know that in most of them, masks were not required and there were no real safety measures in place). 

It feels like we are being forced to choose between Javi's emotional well-being and our family's physical safety, which just feels unfair. Frankly, I was hoping Cuomo would announce that schools can only be remote this fall, but he did not. Thanks for nothing, Cuomo! The good news is that our lovely school is allowing us to defer, which makes the decision a little easier. But we are very torn on what to do. 

And now, some random musings.

1. My emotional state is a bit more regulated lately, but I still have moments of anxiety-induced insomnia and some moments of deep sadness. This week, during a low, I told Ryan that I felt very unmoored. I meant it more in an emotional way, but Ryan quickly responded that I've never been more moored in my entire life. I only have 3 physical locations that I visit (home, my sister's for work and the park on the weekend), when I'm with the kids, one is always physically on top of me in some format (sitting in my lap or trying to climb me as a jungle gym) and at night, our cat sleeps on top of me. When I thought through all of that I could not stop laughing and it eased my sadness a bit. My mind may be out to sea, but my body is sure as hell tied to the dock! 

2. My hair salon was open for business this past weekend and both Ryan and Javi got cuts. While I was cutting Javi's hair, he kept fidgeting and I told him that if he kept moving, it would make it harder and make the process last longer.  And then I realized that this is probably EXACTLY what God thinks about me EVERY DAMN DAY. 

3. We managed to take away two screen-time crutches we had been using for awhile. At the time Liv was born, Javi was going through a tough time and he was giving us lots of trouble getting his diaper changed, getting out of the bath and getting dressed at night and in the morning. We started letting him watch a short 5-10 minute video during these times to make it easier on us. We did it for over a year, but recently, he was starting to ask for videos at other times of the day, or having a huge meltdown when we turned it off. After a particularly big one last Sunday afternoon, we decided to pull the plug. No more videos for getting out of bath and getting dressed morning and night. We were scared, but he surprisingly adjusted quickly and we've done it now for 5 days. I share this because it gave me a moment of esteem and a reminder that we can do hard things, EVEN in the middle of worldwide misery. We have nothing against screen time, he will continue to watch shows daily and with us on the weekends, but we just realized for those specific times, we no longer needed it and he is doing much better without them! 

Until next time...