Hello from the other side of a very intense week. I have a lot to process and am going to do so to the best of my ability, but bear with me if it is clumsy. To get it out of the way, we deferred Javi's school until next year. Glad to have that hard thing over with!
The Anti-Racism Teach-in was incredibly powerful, while at the same time very emotionally taxing. The speakers were amazing and I learned so much to help me continue to dismantle my own racism. I left with great tools to continue the tough dialogues I'm having in my own circles. However, I left a bit overwhelmed with the idea of how to actually implement anti-racist structures and policies within a school. Where I am at right now is that I think it requires so much personal work by each individual, especially leaders, and I'm lacking in hope that the people who really need to do the personal work may not be willing. I am trying to be positive that so many people attended the conference and were clearly at the very beginning of the anti-racism journey. Everyone has to start somewhere and I need to dig very deep to be patient and to find ways to encourage people to start the journey. I believe it is vital for our collective healing.
I've also been working through some hard personal stuff regarding the rise in crime and homelessness in our neighborhood. My initial reaction was thinking of leaving the city, or having second thoughts about police action. These are racist reactions. Instead, I'm trying to think about why the crime is happening. People do not have work and thus don't have a way to feed their families. There are no jobs (hello, we know first hand) and what would I do if I were unable to feed my family and did not have anyone else to lean on? What would Jesus say about this situation? We should have compassion. We should care for our fellow human beings. Instead of wanting more police action, I want there to be more community services. More shelters and food banks and resources for people who are hungry and desperate. I don't want to have a discussion about whether people are "deserving" or police how someone spends their government aid money. Jesus told us not to judge. He didn't say, only help someone after you have determined they aren't lazy or taking advantage. I've come across a story several times on the internet about someone's reaction to being told they were scammed after they helped a young mother at the grocery store pay for groceries. Their response was something like, "if it was a scam, that reflects more on the person purportedly scamming than it does on me for helping." I love this, I want to live this and I want to teach my children this. To help when we see someone who needs it. And I can tell you that I haven't lived that way. I've walked by homeless people, turned my nose up at the smell and complained about the city not dealing with them properly. How horrible is that?! It also made me realize that it is even harder to have compassion if you don't actually see the people that are hurting on a day to day basis. After some conversations, Ryan and I have committed to specific ways to help our immediate community and we reaffirmed our intent to stay in the city unless job opportunities or finances force us out.
All of the intense conversation surrounding Kamala Harris's nomination has been draining. People should be allowed to be disappointed, especially Black people and other people of color who feel she treated their communities badly at points in her career. While I agree that we need to rally behind the ticket, I don't think people should have to support blindly and without reservations. One of my biggest disappointments these past 4 years is seeing friends who very openly voted for Trump remain utterly silent when he has done blatantly horrific things. I refuse to go into cheerleading mode for any politician ever again. I am fine acknowledging publicly that I am voting for Biden/Harris, but I am doing so with the commitment to hold them accountable. When we go to a movie theater, we have to select a movie to watch. Nobody ever has any problem selecting a movie hoping it will be good, and then bashing it to hell if it was lousy, or praising it if it was the best thing they ever saw. We are voting for people that have campaigns that align the most with our worldview and we should be just as willing to critique them as we are with any other choices in our lives. If you don't make your vote a total extension of your identity (which it shouldn't be) then you will have an easier time staying in your truth instead of twisting reality to fit a narrative that justifies your choice. And I think we should practice praising the other side when they do something that we agree with, because ultimately, all of these people are supposed to be working for US.
Lastly, as a brown girl, FOR ME, and only me because that is the only person I can truly represent, it is satisfying to see someone that looks more like me on a presidential ticket. I do believe representation matters.
WHEW. Are you still with me? Thanks for going down that road with me.
Now for some randomness.
1. My weekly Freshdirect order that takes me too long to do every week got cancelled TODAY. The day it was supposed to arrive. I had to scramble to do an Amazon Fresh order and since the earliest time slot is tomorrow morning, we stopped by Whole Foods on our way home to pick up dinner and milk for the kids. I haven't been to a grocery store in like 5 months. There was no line to get in and since we had a limited time to shop because we had to be home to take over with the kids, I totally panicked. For some reason, I decided we had to only get stuff from the areas within the immediate vicinity of the exit and checkout section. I picked stuff at random, trying my best to move really quickly. We got into what seemed like a long line and where people were definitely not properly social distancing. Then we realized we didn't get the milk and after asking an employee, discovered it was upstairs. UPSTAIRS. I told Ryan to run and while he was gone, the under 10 lane opened. I took way too long deciding if I should just get in it even though Ryan was upstairs and finally, after 5 minutes and nobody else getting in the line, I decided to do it. The cashier was so nice and said it was no problem, but of course the minute I got in the line, others did as well, which made me feel like a jerk. I was panicking that Ryan wasn't back and kept rummaging through my backpack looking for my wallet, and even after I found it I kept rummaging through it searching for who knows what. Then Ryan showed up and I went to pay and the lady asked me a question, but I was so frazzled I didn't hear it, and Ryan firmly answered "yes" to her and gave me a concerned look and then she asked me for my phone number, but I didn't know what they were talking about, so I entered it in the pin, but it didn't work. I then realized she had asked if we were Amazon Prime members and I said could she take my email and she looked at me strangely and said no, so finally I just paid and we got the hell out of there. Moral of the story: I am not emotionally ready to handle grocery stores yet (or maybe ever again). I'm considering getting a shopping playset to teach Javi and Liv about stores and to help me practice.
2. This week I have had my tongue scratched, my boob clawed, by back crawled up, my mosquito bites pinched, a scab ripped off, my hair pulled, my nose picked and I've had an object slammed into my face at least 3 times. Just in case anyone without kids was wondering what it is like.
3. We had our first online, double-date, Mario Kart extravaganza and I think it might actually be the cure for COVID blues. I highly recommend this to everyone. Games have been a lifesaver for me during this pandemic and I was so emotionally defeated and physically exhausted the other night that I couldn't even muster the energy to play Ticket to Ride or do a crossword puzzle on my phone. But, my mind wouldn't turn off, so I asked Ryan if he would read me trivia questions out loud, totally realizing it was a ridiculous request. Let me tell you, find yourself a partner who, without hesitation, looks up trivia questions and spends 20 minutes quizzing you to help you fall asleep.THAT is love, folks.
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