I did a hard thing last week. This hard thing put me in the ring against stability, control and knowing the future. Three things that I tend to worship in some fashion or other. As we are entering the Lenten season, I've been thinking a lot about my comfort zone. At this time, I am usually looking at my life and trying to find that thing I rely on the most for comfort. It usually has to do with food since it is the tail end of winter and I'm usually getting through my seasonal depression by comfort eating. This year, post-hard thing, I am forced to sit with a decision made, but no way to really act on it until later in the year. If you know me, you know that this is hell for me. I'm a doer, a woman of action. If there is a problem, I dive head first into it and try to find the best solution immediately, while ignoring anything else going on around me. It is compulsive. Even though I can't act on anything yet, you best believe that I'm doing my damndest to try to solve as much as I can beforehand. But is that even helpful to my ultimate goal? Sure, there are things I can do that are necessary and would be very productive. However, I think I need to spend some time thinking about what is actually productive and what is just running in circles to make myself feel better.
So, this Lent, while I will give up something related to my comfort eating, I'm going to try to be still and in the moment. I'm going to try to cherish the little things going on in my life, like the fact that Javi is all of a sudden really attached to me and wants to spend our time each day sitting in my lap, playing with a toy or reading a book. Perhaps he realizes that my lap is slowly growing smaller and that his life is going to change in a big way in three months. I'm going to focus on making good decisions each day, and doing my very best at work. I'm going to enjoy the quiet nights Ryan and I are having once Javi goes to sleep. These nights were something I grieved for tremendously during those early months with Javi. I was shocked that I got them back once Javi started sleeping through the night. I will be giving them up again in a few months, so I want to cherish them while I have them. I'm going to try to relish in the mundane routine of every day life because once this baby girl arrives, it will be chaos all over again for awhile. I've made the hard choice, and now I can rest for awhile knowing it was the right decision.
Is the future uncertain? Yes. But, it always is. No amount of effort will make the future knowable, and thus my controlling ways are mostly wasted energy. Every plan that I've tried to bring to fruition has been disrupted and changed by God in the best way possible. He has helped me despite myself, EVERY DAMN TIME. So instead of trying to do His job, I am going to do what feels so counterproductive and lazy to me. I'm going to sit and try to listen to what He has to say to me. I'm going to be patient and enjoy the present, instead of running as hard as I can to catch up to the future. AND, I'm going to try not to order in dessert every night of the week. Goodbye Insomnia Cookies and 16 Handles delivery!
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