The fact that so many of us have just "awoken" to the deeply entrenched inequities of our society is something I just can't stop thinking about. As a sci fi nerd, I've thought so much about the Matrix lately. Now that I've taken the red pill, there is absolutely no going back. I analyze everything through my now cleared view and it is bleak. My biggest fear is that the people that are truly indifferent to everything going on will just retreat further into their spaces of comfort and detach from the rest of us. Their matrix may shrink, but it will be a place full of Cyphers who could not handle reality and decided to continue living and raising their children in the obliviousness of the matrix.
It is hard for me to see people going about their summers as if nothing has happened, flouting COVID rules because they have put a damper on their lives. It is easy to flout rules when your life hasn't been as drastically effected by the virus. "How dare my social life be impacted!” In a way, it is the same issue as police brutality. People believe they don’t have to follow the rules because they won’t have as dire of consequences. A white kid can smoke pot and the likelihood of them being arrested for it is minimal. They can also have a non-socially distant party away from the eyes of police in the safety of their massive vacation home and not get in trouble. Meanwhile, others are struggling as they are crammed in tiny apartments with essential workers and they get heavily policed for trying to talk to neighbors on the street. If the white kid gets COVID, he can quarantine in one wing of the vacation home and probably receive great medical care whereas the essential worker has no space to quarantine, likely infects his/her family and none of them will receive the same level of care as the white kid. It is a privilege to get to flout the rules, and I’m not sure people see it that way. My family is safe and well because of door people, grocery store workers, pharmacy workers, delivery people, mail people and our nanny. And most of those people are Black and Brown. I am aware every day of this fact and the MINIMUM I can do is follow the rules to keep those people as safe as possible.
I want to talk about all of this ad nauseam and feel everyone retreating from me. When I first started following ShiShi Rose on Instagram (the Black activist I mentioned in an earlier post) I was struck by her anger. I was buying into the stereotype of the angry black woman. Well, now I am the Angry Brown Woman and I finally get it. I finally get it. How could you feel any other way unless you choose to accept the system and ignore its evil?
I have so much work to unwind myself from the ways that I continue to uphold the system. I realize that at work, there have been times where I sought to make change, but I didn't support it in the way I should have because I was busy trying to stay safe and continuing to placate the status quo. I should have been more vocal and more critical. I'm trying to do better now, but it is still very hard to go up against the "norm." I remain committed to doing more, even if it hurts me professionally.
The hardest place is in my personal life. As I mentioned, I feel people creeping away. There are a few that remain steadfast and open, but many more feel distant. I am committed to continuing to speak out and I am committed to continuing to follow the COVID rules, even if that makes me unpopular. The more the virus spreads, more people of color are impacted and the longer they are asked to keep everyone else comfortable. The least we can do is avoid interacting with people unless you stay 6 feet away and wear masks.
And now, for some levity.
1. Apologies now for how many of these are going to be about Mario Kart. Ryan and I are addicted. We are trying to figure out the level of importance of the vehicle setup. For the past week, we've been playing the 150 circuit. Ryan is very convinced he does better with a specific setup. I've purposefully chosen different drivers, base vehicles, tires and gliders. I have ranked 5th EVERY TIME. My best circuit was when I went with the cutest setup imaginable. So, I think the setup is important, but only because it affects your mood. I mean, look at this setup!
2. Turns out working from home in a small apartment where you can hear your kids all day, but can't interact because they have meltdowns is stress inducing, even if you have childcare (which I will say again, we are very privileged to have). My sister is out of town, so we are going to use her apartment as an "office" while she is gone. Yesterday was our first day and it felt like I went to a spa. The change of scenery alone was huge, but I realized that my mind was always three-quarters with the kids because I could hear them. I feel like I can actually concentrate while I'm there!
3. I can't stop thinking about all of the empty, giant, luxury apartments just sitting around the city while people are living in one bedrooms with 7 people. Imagine if those people had the option to spread out a little, at least for the summer.
(Me entering my sister's apartment yesterday)
4. Cooking isn't half as bad as I thought it would be. I've become very resourceful in the kitchen and my new inability to let anything go to waste has brought out some creativity. I have a ways to go, but I'm grateful that this skill is developing because everyone should be able to feed themselves. Just don't ask Ryan how anything tastes.
5. Ya'll, I had a long hard talk with myself after last week and I'm giving up the quest to find a place to rent this summer. If our financial situation improves and we are still quarantined, perhaps I will look for something for December. We are fine, the summer allows us to get out of the apartment a lot, we now have access to another apartment nearby and we have a lot of comfort. I'm grateful for the beach house last summer and I can be hopeful about another one next summer. One summer without a getaway won't kill us. Talk about ridiculous first world problems.
6. My quarantine wardrobe consists mostly of maternity clothes and workout clothes. Liv was born 13 months ago. For my stylish friends that have always been slightly offended by my lack of style, IT HAS ONLY GOTTEN WORSE. I'm going to need a serious intervention once this pandemic is over.
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