Begrudging Gratefulness in the Time of Coronavirus

We celebrated Mother's Day and our second quarantine birthday in our house this week. Our daughter Liv turned 1. I was unprepared for the sadness and anger that I felt this week. While I'm sure these important milestones caused most of it, I'm finding it hard to properly assign blame to my feelings lately. Perhaps it is the lack of emotional space, the lack of time to properly reflect, the feeling entirely consumed by anxiety about the future. As I looked back at my one million and one pictures I've taken in her first year of life, I felt angry that she spent the last two months of it cooped up in an apartment. I felt sadness that we couldn't have close family celebrate with us. I felt sadness being so far away from my own mother, not knowing when I will get to see her again. I feel incredibly fatigued. I know that I have a million and one things to be grateful for, but I'm having a hard time finding gratitude this week. For that reason, I'm going to try to focus my random thoughts on gratitude and see how I feel at the end. 

1. I am grateful for my tiny refrigerator that I finally received last week. I'm not sure if any other working moms that have childcare have this issue, but I cannot go out into the rest of the apartment during the work day without my children having a meltdown. Ryan can go in and out without causing disruption. So for 6 weeks, I was entirely dependent on Ryan to make me breakfast and lunch. Now, I can make my breakfast and lunch the night before and have total control over when I eat it. This. Is. Huge. The fridge is also a cute aquamarine color which matches my favorite mug and my engagement ring. 

2.  I couldn't be grateful for the tiny fridge without being grateful for childcare. I have no idea how the rest of you working parents are juggling full-time childcare and work. I hope that I would have risen to the occasion as all of you have, but there are days I'm not sure I would have been able to handle it. 

3. I am incredibly grateful for our apartment. I try to imagine quarantining in our previous tiny shoe box, or our Brooklyn apartment where you can hear everything going on in the building, or the crazy party building we lived in when we first got married. Somehow after two months, it still feels spacious and comfortable. I haven't even had to make any major rearrangements, a favorite pastime of mine. However, once we have more clarity on our immediate future, my first to-do will be to make our bedroom a better workspace. 

4. I'm going to say it. I am grateful for Zoom, Houseparty, Google Meet, Facetime and Whatsapp Video. I've seen the faces of people that I haven't seen in so long and it is keeping me going. It is amazing that we are actually using this technology that has been around for awhile in the way it was meant to be used. Yes, I have some fatigue over constant video conferencing. But, I'm still incredibly grateful.

5.  While I normally wouldn't be grateful for being in the center of the pandemic in the US, I am grateful to be in NYC where I can still get delicious food delivered. If you know us at all, you know that we are a family that greatly enjoys food. It is one of the reasons we live in NYC. I feel stupidly lucky that I can still get the best food NYC has to offer. We don't order as often as we used to, but now it is our special treat that we look forward to each weekend. Most places also offer delivery of alcohol, including the option of a deconstructed cocktail from their menu that you can make yourself. We haven't ordered any yet, but I thought it was a very creative way to continue charging people a 175% markup on alcohol. 

6. I am so grateful for internet humor. Comedy is my coping mechanism. I have zero desire to watch anything that isn't funny. The meme lords are on fire and I am here for it. Keep it coming.

(This has nothing to do with anything, but I couldn't stop watching it)

7. I am so grateful for the resilience of Ryan and the kids. Ryan is always an emotional rock, but even more so now. The kids are joys right now. Somehow, Javi has accepted quarantine life and is thriving. I am in awe of him and working very hard to learn his secret.

8.  Okay, I'm grateful for gratitude. It really does work. But just FYI, when you sit down to write out the things you are grateful for, you don't have to be chipper about it. You can be super cranky and cynical. I've seen so many people post about this exercise and it was never appealing because most of the time I feel pessimistic and crotchety. If you are like me, I'm here to tell you it will still work. You won't end up with rainbows shooting out of your orifices, but you will feel less desperate and murderous. 

Everyone pray for an attitude change next week!