Well, I had my biggest meltdown of the COVID era last Thursday night. It took my parents a full hour on the phone to calm me down and then another long chat with my sister the following day. I have been asked to consider anti-depressants. I'm not sure I want to go there quite yet and feel that I have some other options to try before looking into the medication route. My new coping plan is to simply be kinder and more lenient with myself. Living in extremes only brings me misery. Trying to lead a perfect schedule and perfect life during a very difficult time is unrealistic and only brings me misery. Obsessing over our finances and budget and living in deprivation mode only brings me misery. This morning it dawned on me that having less childcare may be the main reason I'm feeling so stretched. So, we are considering bringing our nanny back to full-time in August. Basically, I'm going to try to take things a bit easier over here. Not a strength of mine, so we will see. I am also very aware that my ability to actually do something about my difficulties is only possible because of privilege, financial uncertainties aside.
(using 2 gifs to show my commitment level)
We watched "Becoming" this weekend (the documentary about Michelle Obama's book) and I nearly cried through the whole thing even though it isn't supposed to be a tear-jerker (at least not for the whole time). Maybe it was remnants of the meltdown, maybe it was reminiscing of a time filled with more hope, maybe it was identifying with parts of her journey, maybe it was exasperation at the limitations of politics or maybe it felt odd to feel hopeful again. I started reading the book when Liv was born and I was up several times a night pumping milk for her. I stopped reading when I went back to work because it reminded me of pumping at night (I know that is weird, I was happy to be finished with it, but also sad), but plan to focus on it again. The documentary really brought home for me how terrible politics is for racism. I'm not saying that there aren't systemically racist laws/policies that need to be dealt with and can only be dealt with through voting and expressing your opinions to your elected officials. I mean that the harder work of really changing hearts is done through more informal and vulnerable means. I enjoyed watching Michelle Obama engage with small groups of people of different ages, hearing people's stories and sharing her own. I totally understand why she doesn't want to go into politics herself. It is too limiting. It also reinforced the importance of doing the hard work of fighting racism within our own families, work circles and friends. As the continued division of this country always comes down to politics, I hope we can all acknowledge it's deficiencies and the way politicians demand division in order to stay in power. That goes for both sides. It makes me sad that the pandemic takes away our ability to engage with people personally and to find opportunities to engage personally with people who are different from us. While the internet has the potential to bring people together, none of us really use it in that way. We mainly stick to our echo chambers. I commit to continuing to diversify my social media feeds, the shows and movies I watch, the companies I buy from and the people I talk to on the street (in a socially distanced way with masks on). I would also like to confess that other than high level elections, I don't pay much attention to local stuff. This is another place where I have major work to do to be ant-racist. I commit to doing my homework for November and making fully informed choices on everything, not just the Presidential election.
Now for some levity.
1. In case anyone would like an update on Ryan's quirky culinary tastes, I discovered today that he has a specific strategy when it comes to chip selection at lunch. I've been purchasing a variety pack of chip bags that include Doritos (Cool Ranch & Nacho Cheese), Cheetos, Classic Lays, Ruffles and Fritos and have seen him eat two bags every day at lunch.
(Here is the man, the myth, the legend with his essential chip bag on the morning commute)
Yesterday, he informed me that he only eats Classic Lays, Ruffles and Fritos with his sandwich (i.e. at the same time he is eating his sandwich) because they don't interfere with the sandwich flavor, and reserves the other, more strongly flavored chips (Doritos and Cheetos) for post-sandwich consumption. He was slightly horrified when I enjoyed a bag of Cheetos with my sandwich. Apparently, I lack flavor integrity.
2. I ranked higher than Ryan in Mario Kart twice in the last week. Proof below. I've now totally changed my mind about the importance of setup because I found the perfect setup for me. Pink Gold Peach driving a sneaker car with white off-road tires and the standard glider. She's killing it (if you agree that moving from a consistent 5th place to 3rd place at least once in awhile is killing it).
3. If you had told me that parenthood would involve the amount of wrestling that is required to care for my daughter, I would have never believed you. Does anyone else have a super active little one? Giving her a bottle, giving her food, getting her dressed, playing with her, changing her diaper. I literally sweat during all of those activities. Javi was more active then most of the other kids we interact with, but he would always sit still for drinking milk, feeding and reading books. Liv has ZERO activities where she is willing to be still. I even tried introducing a Youtube video for diaper changes (something we did with Javi to make it less of a struggle, I know, don't judge me) but she just throws the phone off the table. When I give her a bath at night (which is terrifying and I barely fill up the tub because she is all over the place and I'm scared she will drown) I take her into the bedroom and put her on the floor. She immediately crawls full speed away from me. I then chase her around the room applying lotion to whatever body part I can grab. Then, I put a music toy in her crib, but far from her reach which tricks her into standing to try to get it and I quickly put on her diaper. Then I chase her around the room putting her pajama on limb by limb. First I get an arm, and she crawls away. Then I get another arm, and so on and so forth. By this point, I'm exhausted, but I still have to give her a bottle. First we start with her on my lap, she takes two sips then crawls away. We do this for about 3 ounces, then I put her in her crib. She takes an ounce, then rolls around the crib like a maniac. We do this until the bottle is finished and I'm about to faint. She is so ready to walk, but I can't decide if this will make things better (she can actually move the way she wants to) or if it is going to make it even harder to wrangle her.
Phew, just writing all of that and reliving it made me extremely tired, so that is where we are going to end this week. Wishing you growth, rest, good eats and some sun for this holiday weekend. Don't forget there is a very real virus out there and do you part to stop the spread!
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