Triggers in the Time of Coronavirus

I thought I had hit the lowest point of my emotional state last week, but apparently, I hadn't quite hit the bottom. At this point, I'm going to take that as a positive because even after another tough emotional week, I still don't think I've hit bottom. After last week's meltdown, I spent most of the past week trying to figure out a plan for survival that would minimize all downsides and risks. The result of that quest was an epic meltdown, because it was a fool's errand. The level of uncertainty we are all facing on a daily basis, plus the several layers of uncertainty we are experiencing personally as a family is too much. 

I had several incredibly disappointing conversations with people this week, one being with my therapist, where nobody could provide me comfort and where I felt like screaming at the person. My biggest trigger right now is anyone claiming to have absolute facts. I have zero tolerance for anyone that isn't willing to acknowledge that nothing is certain. ZERO. I've never had more clarity about people in my life than I do now. Someone recently posted the quote from Princess Bride by William Goulding, "Life is pain, Princess. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something." 

So right now, I feel like a lot of people are selling something. Some are actually selling something for their jobs. When the selling is very clear, I am not triggered. I get it, you are making ends meet and part of it is showing that things are okay and being positive. I understand that being brutally honest isn't going to help you with your sale, so I am not triggered. I respect the hustle. 

Others are selling political ideas. These trigger me the most, because it seems like such an effed up time to try to push an agenda. Even the agendas that I agree with/care about trigger me. Don't try to influence my already beleaguered mind with more stuff right now. And generally, when will people realize that nobody will ever change their mind about politics through an angry post or, frankly, any political post on social media? All it does is either preach to the choir or anger people. 

And I'm going to guess that the rest of the people that are so certain about everything are literally trying to sell comfort to themselves. I guess I can't blame you if this is what you are doing. Everyone is hurting right now, and everyone has a different way of handling it. 

So I think the lesson for me this week is that having clarity on my triggers is important.That I can surround myself by those people that provide me the comfort that I am looking for. That what I find comfort in right now are facts, honest uncertainty, writing, video games and humor. That once I establish all of those things for myself, I can maybe have more patience and tolerance for other's coping mechanisms. I also hope that I can find my faith again. I've started that process by just realizing that trying to solve the unsolvable puzzle is exhausting and makes me crazy and a terrible version of myself and that maybe for the next week I will try not solving it and that trying not to solve it isn't lazy but actually probably the smart thing to do. If I give up the struggle for just a week, the world can't collapse more than it already has, right?  (Please don't answer that). 

So, my goal for this week is to throw caution to the wind (while still observing all of the medical guidelines and not leaving the apt because I'm not a monster), not think about the dire circumstances we are in and try to just find some joy each day.  Let go and let God.  Wish me luck.